Anxiety • part 1

36 • writing

"I'm not ready to say goodbye." I put my bag infront of my closet and Ashton put his with his suitcase that he still had to pack.

"Then it's good we still have the night." He put his arms around my waist and looked down at me, his amazing smile was gone and pain was visible in his eyes. But I'm sure I had that same expression written all over my face.

"I still have a few things that I need to do before tomorrow so I will do that while you pack." I looked away from him, not able to just look at him without being on the verge of breaking down.

"Okay." He whispered. I stepped out of his arms and took my laptop from the nightstand before going to the kitchen to sit down at the table. I printed the last forms I needed to fill out and read the patient files I needed to know by tomorrow. They had asked me to prepare it so I could start right away.

And I was so busy with trying to study it that for a moment I forgot he was leaving tomorrow morning shortly before I had to leave for the hospital. So when he walked in the room, I looked at him with a smile only to remember again the second I saw his face.

"I wish I could stay here." He said as he walked over, he poured himself a glass with water and leaned against the counter. I turned in my chair and looked at him.

"But you can't. We knew this is what we signed up for when we started dating." I said as I tried to hold on.

"That doesn't make it any easier." He said and I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes for a second.

"We got no choice Ashton. Even if you decide to stay I'll be gone every day from 8 till 7 and I will be exhausted after. We just have to get through this now and focus on the summer."

"Focus on Norway." He said with a small smile and I nodded.

"I'm going to miss you like crazy." I said as I got up and walked over to him. I hugged him thightly and I never wanted to let go again. I gave up on wanting to be strong, I'm going to miss him.

"I'm going to miss you too Sammie." He replied as he held onto me, rubbing my back softly. We stood there for a while before sitting down on the couch and going through our shedules once again. My class shedule was filled wuth practical classes which I couldn't skip on fridays and mondays so no way I could go for just a weekend.

Capitol is quiet happy with me in London and already told me they had a new assignment for me here so no way they'll send me to LA.

Ashton had a few free days where he didn't need to be in the studio but they were always bad timing for me.

So it was going to be 6 weeks untill I see him again. Then I'm going to LA for 16 days and we got Coachella too the first week. So that meant I would be without him twice as long compared to last time.

"I'll come over for a weekend, I won't be able to stay very long but I can fly here on friday so I'm here by the time you're done with class and I can fly back home on monday. It's just a short time but it's something." He finally said when we both realised there was no other option.

"Are you sure?" I asked as I looked down at my hands.

"Anything for you." He replied before placing his hand on my cheek and making me look at him. "I'd fly over every weekend for you if I could."

I looked at him with a smile before leaning closer to kiss him. But it didn't feel like it did before. This was not the happy fireworks and butterflies kiss, this was the goodbye kiss.

The one where I knew I'd be without his lips for a long time.

"Please don't cry because you're going to make me cry." He whispered when a tear slipped down my cheek. He gently brushed the stain away with his thumb as his eyes stared into mine. "Come here" he said as he pulled me closer to him. I hold onto him thightly and we both stayed silent. Why are goodbye's so fucking hard?