A Light in the Dark // Flicker Series Part I #wattys2019

Worst In Me

"He didn't tell you?" She questions with wide eyes, her face suddenly very serious.

"Nora, stop being vague and talk to me." My voice has developed an edge and i'm getting a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Beck asked Jaxon to come on the trip. He thought it would be good for him and would be the only way he could keep an eye on him while he's gone... I figured Beck told you already. But I guess that explains why you haven't been freaking out about it." She rattles off quickly and swallows hard as she nervously waits for this ticking time bomb to explode before her.

I flop down in the chair next to her and drop my head into my hands. I feel like all the wind has been knocked out of me. This can't be happening.

"Good for him?!" I shout.

When I find Beck Avery...

"He thought it would be good for him?!" I repeat. "Has he lost his mind?!"

"I just want to say that I told him that it was a bad idea, but he insisted he'll take care of it. He just knows Jaxon needs help, but he needs him to open up some before he can encourage him to get it." Nora explains.

"Jaxon won't get help." I shake my head knowingly.

"Beck's just trying to do what he can to get him to see it and help him."

"I know. Beck and his stupid big heart." I roll my eyes. "I'm not an evil person, Nora. Of course I know Jaxon needs help and I want him to get it but..."

"But you needed this trip to clear your head." She finishes for me. "I know. It'll be ok." She says comfortingly.

"He said he thought we needed to talk." I tell her, which is the first time i've brought up this part our conversation at the afterparty to anyone.

"I told him I didn't think we did, and I walked away...But being trapped on a plane with someone for 15 hours sure is a good way to get them to hear you out." I explain frustratedly.

"Evie look at me. This doesn't change anything with you two. You still have zero obligations to him and that includes listening to him. If he tries to talk to you, you have every right to tell him you don't want to."

"I know..." I sigh, telling myself that Nora is right because I know she is but it's going to be harder than she makes it sound.

"I'm probably going to give your boyfriend an earful first." I admit.

"Rightly so, I'm going to give him one myself."

"I'm going to go on this trip, do the work I need to do, and make sure Beck is amazing as always. Niall doesn't know it yet, but I'm surprising him by flying straight to Dublin from Australia. He thinks i'm coming home and then I'll meet up with him in London a few days later, but...I wanted to surprise him. I just booked my ticket." I say, with a beaming smile.

She looks at me, with a faint smile.

"What's that look about?" I ask with a giggle.

"This look, is about that look." She says, pointing from her face to mine. "That smile. Don't let Jaxon take that from you again, ok? You have a history with him, and you have a strong connection with him. And I know you talk about Beck's big heart, but yours is twice the size of his when it comes to Jaxon as much as you don't want to admit that. You want to help him. I get that. I mean that's why you talked to him in the first place the other night right? He tugs on your heart and you run back to him, even when you're angry at him. But, don't let him trick you into feeling like you owe him anything. This smile on your face tells me you are right where you're supposed to be, with the man you're supposed to be with. Don't lose sight of that, ok? Promise?"

"Promise." I nod, her words painfully true.

"I know you want to be the bigger person, but sometimes being the bigger person means being the one to admit that you're both in different places now. You used to be good for each other, and now in a sick twisted way you just bring out the worst in each other. and you've become toxic for each other...Unfortunately now you just bring out the worst in each other instead of the best... But that's just my big sister advice." She says, patting my arm and giving me a half smile.

Her words linger in the air and in my mind long after she's left the room. They play on a loop until i'm so tired of hearing them I could scream. But then I fall to the realization I've haven't wanted to admit.

Jaxon and I were together for a long time and he does know a lot about me. As much as I don't think he would stoop to this level, he knows exactly how to push my buttons and i'm afraid with his unstable attitude lately he'll do whatever it takes to get me to listen to him.

I am in a good place now. I'm happy. I'm with the man of my dreams. I can't let him near me again.

I hear her words once more, "...being the bigger person means being the one to admit that you're both in different places now and you've become toxic for each other."

We are toxic, and it's time I put an end to it.