Every padawan mourned the loss of Master Koth in their own way.
No one knew the real story.. not even Master Skywalker.
But I did, and Ben did too. If I didn't love him so much, I would have told Master Skywalker everything. I have never been one for crossing the code, and being with Ben had me terrified of loss or consequence from the very first time he kissed my head.
This is too much. It's unbearable.
"Credit for your thoughts." Sybil teasingly nudges, breaking me from the stupor that I always fell into during training now. I give her a weak smile and shrug.
"You wouldn't want to know." I answer, Master Koth's final words echoing in my head.
You have chosen the wrong path, Solo!
"Try me." She persists, an innocent grin lighting up her delicate features. She runs her fingers through her long, inky black ponytail as a nervous tick, and my eyes are glued to the movement.
"I just miss Del-Naris, is all." I don't exactly lie. I do miss her. In the last few months she had made me increasingly paranoid, but after Ben, she was one of the fastest friendships I had made when I had first arrived here. I looked up to her. I wanted to be her someday.
"I do too.. it's never going to be the same without her." Sybil agrees, rubbing my hand comfortingly. She's right.
"Where's Ben?" Luna asks, cutting into the conversation without grasping the mood of the words we had previously shared.
"She's right! He hasn't come to training in days." Sybil agrees. The pair of them look to me.
"I'm not sure where he is." I admit, feeling the heavy tug on my heart as I thought of how I missed him. I've seen him once since that night. He hasn't shown to training, missions, fun outings, or to spend time with me in days.
I hate the feelings I have as I think of him. I am exceedingly angry with him for what he did, and I'm not sure I will be able to forgive him for a very long time. But I couldn't help but miss him.. his laugh and smile, his rich brown eyes and endearing freckles, those dumb and unruly curls, his soft and gentle kisses. The way he made me feel as if I were most beautiful girl in all of the galaxies. I knew I shouldn't feel this way after what he had done, but I couldn't help myself.
"Will you guys excuse me?" I ask distractedly, not waiting for their answer as I abruptly leave the room.
I march up the stairs to the living quarters, on my way to his large, brooding door, ready to confront him, when a horrifying scream breaks the previously calm silence in the corridor.
I rush to his door in a panic, punching in the code to his room that he had trusted me with a long time ago.
"Ben?" I call as the door shuts behind me.
He is lying on his back, shirtless in his bed, fast asleep. A sheen of sweat covers his ivory skin, his sheets a mess over him as if he had been thrashing. My suspicions of a night terror prove to be correct when I see his face contort in pain.
"Please, no.. no!" He whispers as I approach, engulfed in the nightmare. "Lya." He whimpers, to which I furrow my eyebrows.
"Ben!" I say again quietly, shaking his arm to free him of his current state. I repeat his name a few more times and continue to nudge and shake him before he sits up in bed quickly, his eyes wide open, full of an unintelligible feeling.
His gaze lands on me and he pulls me to him immediately, encapsulating me in a bone crushing hug, his face buried in my hair.
"I dreamt of you dying. It was my fault." He whispers shakily, chest heaving as he lets the words out.
"I'm right here." I answer into his chest, pressing my lips to his skin after to reassure him.
I am still angry with him, but he is so vulnerable at the moment that I couldn't possibly bring up my hostile feelings, despite the circumstances.
"I couldn't protect you.. what if this is our fate, Lya?" He voices his concern, and I realize this must be something he has been mulling over for a long time. I sigh and pull away, looking into his eyes.
"I need you to know that I'm okay, Ben. You can love me with all of your heart but you don't need to protect me." I squeeze his hands with my own, my eyes searching his for feeling.
"I love you, Lya. You are my stars and I would do anything to protect you. Anything." He shakes his head.
I force myself to pull away, ignoring the way my heart melts at the sentiment.
"Ben.. you've already gone too far. You must know that." I purse my lips.
"I was protecting you!" He exclaims, staring to me disbelievingly, as if I had suddenly sprouted another head.
"But you hurt me in the process! And you have put me in a place that is tearing me apart, Ben. I am loyal to you because I love you, but keeping this secret and keeping you a secret has become just too much to bear." I cry, tears forming in my eyes. I squeeze them shut, willing them not to fall.
"What are you saying?" Ben wonders, desperation wavering his voice. I peek at him again, and here are strong emotions lurking in his gaze.
"I don't know." I say numbly, shaking my head at myself, before turning from the room.
My heart feels as if it has been ripped from my chest.
-
this chapter was a little shorter than usual, but i'll try to have another update up in the next couple days!
also, just a warning: this book may actually be ending soon, because i am planning on a sequel!
stay tuned, loyal readers!
and make sure to vote and comment, PLEASE show your support for this book, it would be very appreciated!
all the love, kait
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covet ➸ kylo ren (1)
Fanfiction"The marks people leave are too often scars." - Lyra Escara had fulfilled her father's dream of becoming a Padawan learner at a very young age; as a small child hearing his tales of the Rebellion, she'd longed to learn to ways of the Jedi Code, and...
