Braver Than I Used to Be

Chapter Three

But I would be if I didn't at least go as far as you would let me. If this is as far as you want, then I understand. I just want what is best for you.

I felt myself shaking because I didn't know what to do. I wanted Matthew bad, for so long and here he was, so unexpectedly open with me about how he felt and I didn't know what to give him back. I didn't want to admit that I had liked him for so many years but he was putting himself so far out there for me.

In a moment's decision, I decided that if he was willing to take the chance, then I could too. I knew my brother wouldn't fight me, but if he was willing to risk that then I could at least eat cheesecake with him until my veins turned to cream cheese and he was absolutely tired of me.

We will talk about it over cheesecake at 8 tonight.

He must've lived in the mall because he always made it before me.

"So, I was thinking maybe two pieces of cheese cake tonight." He said.

I stiffened. "I can pay for it."

"That isn't the issue. I have gained six pounds since I meet you."

"Oh...I see what you mean. Well you can eat two."

As we ate, he looked at me. "So, what do you think? Is it safer to stay away from each other?"

"That is always the safer option."

"But what does Rita want?"

I paused and looked at him and his smirk was back with the one dimple on his right cheek. "I don't know. I am not as honest as you."

"You don't have to say anything you aren't comfortable with. I will do whatever you want."

I shyly played with my cheesecake with the fork. I wanted to be as honest as him but I couldn't look at him and do it.

"You know, in Junior High no guys really interested me. In High School, I don't know what happened, I guess hormones or something. There was one person that always caught my attention, but he was the one person that was off limits, and I never knew if that was why or if it was because of how he was. He talked to everyone but dated no one. Everyone wanted him, but he didn't really care. It was interesting to watch from afar. Especially when it was it was like a forbidden fruit. So here I sit in front of my forbidden fruit, and I know nothing about him except that he has thought of me the same way. Now I wonder what I should do."

He cut a piece of cheesecake. "I think you should do whatever you want. I also think we should start throwing some fruit cups in with these trips because I'll have gained ten pounds by tomorrow."

"You know, you don't have to eat cheesecake."

"I feel like I do, you eat so much of it, I feel like less of a man if I don't eat as much as you. So back to the other thing, you think you probably like me for my looks? Or because I am off limits?"

"A bit of both, your looks help I am sure. I can't really give an answer because I can't pin point the exact moment I decided." Which was a lie, I remember it was the third day of freshman year. Ray and I were walking to our first class, we walked past Matthew and a few of his friends, he had glanced over at me and when I looked at him, he smirked. That was when I first noticed his dimple. After he was out of sight, I realized he was looking at me, I turned back and saw him still staring at me as I walked away from him. I remember feeling like the first time I ate cheesecake, happy, warm, intoxicated, like I had just had a taste of a drug and I wanted more.

From that moment I noticed him everywhere I went. I noticed who he spoke to, what he wore, when he noticed me, when he cut his hair, when he was upset, when he was sad, when he was uninterested or bored no matter how much company he had around. I had noticed him for the last two years almost obsessively. At the beginning of Junior year, I kind of let my little obsession die down because I was tiring myself out looking at the same guy and he never even noticed me and not to mention I would never be allowed to speak to him even if he did. Then he was in my class, and he took the seat right in front of me.

When we finished, he insisted we walk around the building at least five times so he could feel better about himself.

"So, what do your parents think you are doing?"

"Eating cheesecake, alone. They don't really ask. They are so used to me being with Ray, they probably don't even notice we aren't together."

"Do you guys not talk about your lives?"

I shook my head, "No, not really. I am not allowed to date, Ray enforces that rule and I just follow it, well until now."

"This isn't a date."

"I didn't say it was, but you are exactly the kind of person they wouldn't want me dating."

"I don't blame them, I always thought I was a bit dangerous, always getting into street fights, carrying weapons, doing drugs. It's a wonder they let me in the school at all."

"Exactly. Honestly, I don't talk to them because I don't like how unfair they are. Ray gets a car, I get a bike. Ray can date, I can't. Ray can speak up and talk back if he feels something isn't fair, I get smacked for being disrespectful. Ray can get into fights and fail his classes and it's no problem, they'll donate a gym next year so he can graduate. I get a B after trying my hardest and I need to go to tutoring because I can't bring home anything but A's. I ask for a car, I don't need one because I shouldn't be going anywhere without Ray." I wiped tears from my face and Matthew pulled me close to him. "It's easier just to stay quiet. It's not Ray's fault they let him do whatever he wants. He doesn't like it either, but they won't change their mind on anything. So, I just accept the rules and stay quiet."

We stopped walking and he hugged me. "I'm sorry, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Are you saying you have been riding your bike here every time?"

I nodded, still being held against him.

He pulled me away from him, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Didn't think I needed to. It's not like you can pick me up."

"I could drop you off a block away. I have a pickup truck, we can just throw your bike in the back. God, no wonder you haven't gained any weight! You've been secretly working out!"

I laughed, holding him tighter, "I guess I have been cheating. But you don't have to take me, I don't live far, and I don't want to risk you being seen."

"Wait, go back, you are never sweating when you come in, how is that possible?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. I don't sweat that much, and it is only like a mile away, so isn't too much of a ride."

He started sniffing my hair and moving down to my neck and shirt. "Matthew, what are you doing?"

"I'm seeing if you smell like sweat, lift up your arm."

I gasped and pushed him. "I will do no such thing!"

"How do you smell like perfume still? You should smell like wind and outside."

I rolled my eyes so hard they almost fell out my head. "What does wind and outside smell like?"

"I don't know, my mom used to tell me that when I came from playing outside."

"I don't sweat unless it is really hot. Since I ride at night, it's breezy. I should get going actually, Ray will probably be home soon."

"Alright, want me to take you?"

"No, I think I would rather my bike. Don't worry I will be fine."

Each time I rode home after hanging out with Matthew I felt a little less empty. I wasn't as sad from being alone, I just wished I could tell Ray about it. I had to pretend nothing bothered me and nothing was wrong all the time. I had been trained to keep everything inside, the only person who knew anything was Ray. This time, I couldn't tell him though, so I just did my best to keep everything in so no one could tell the difference.

When I got home, Ray was already there.

"Where have you been?" He asked as soon as I got to my room.

"I was eating cheesecake." Which wasn't a lie.

"Alone?"

I nodded. "I do it a lot now."