01.11.19

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heya! sorry to not updating yesterday; i was getting into a routine and i failed again lmao.

it was mainly because i had a rough day, like really rough.

but that's okay, because i did today to so. lmao.

anyways, nothing to really update in results, just the fact that my ass is huge sill and i feel skinner.
people have mentioned i look prettier too, which is strange 'cause i'm always ugly lmao, like hello? you blind?

we're also doing trampolining and it's really fun, mainly because ms thinks i'm good at it. onlY because i can do the spin thing where you sit dow and spin round and sit back down again. but hey-ho better than dodgeball or something like that.

anyways, the two past days have been so burdensome it's annoying:

a girl that is terrifyingly annoying and, what we call "slaggy" it's pissing me off.
i won't name names.

the other day, she spoke behind my back, calling me these names and saying i'm a lesbian.
like nothing wrong with that anyways but hun, please get your facts right because i'm in fact dating a guy.

lesbians date all girls and don't find attraction to guys. so please, do some google search when you finished having sex. :))

but anyways lmao, today was....something else.

in smsc, (re studies basically), my depression hit me hard out of no where and i feel as if i wanted to cry. but i didn't.

when i got out, my mum asked me what was wrong, i told her i'm just tired and she noticed and mentioned that i looked like i was going to cry.

we got into the car and she asked what was really wrong, i explained saying that i've been feeling for a while: sad, empty..and then i stopped talking, and just cried.

she said that i needed to explain what was going on and i just cried and said it was hard to explain.

yes: i may have gathered and assumed i had depression, but, i found as if there was something always wrong with me. the thoughts in my head wasn't a normal thing.

i didn't assume because of some stupid test from buzzfeed like some people.

but i told her that my stress is at it's max, and i feel as if i don't want to be here on earth and that others don't want me here either.
and, it's not like she already knows i'm not motivated to do anything, let alone get out of bed. however, she just gathered that i was lazy.

she explained to me that i don't have to think that way, and shouldn't care what people think.

here were her words: "you should be happy with yourself. when you look in the mirror and look at what you see, and find yourself happy, then that's all you should care about."

those words left her mouth and i felt so loved by my mum for the first time.

i felt like we didn't get along, but i feel so much closer to her than before.

now, the things we talked about in the car, i don't want to announce on here, mainly for private reasons, i rather not state them here because it might come across as attention seeking also.
but in fact, i don't want to anyways.

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