Chapter 32

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- Caspar's POV -

I was anything but complacent. I'm not a fool, I knew perfectly well that Joe had not been kidding when he confessed. I was overjoyed for a second. He had said the words I had only dreamed of him saying. But then I couldn't help but feel a weight lifted off my shoulders though. I still couldn't tell what my feelings were. At first, I didn't think it was possible. That all the love I had could just vanish. But then I remembered, all the hate I had did just vanish. Nothing seems clear anymore. It's like I've been given a single match to find my way out of a tunnel. I need to time it perfectly when to light the match. And if I go over a certain time, the small flame will burn my flesh.

I knew one cheat I could use to put my feelings to rest. I had to kiss Joe. I needed to see if the electricity was still there. But kissing him now just seemed... Wrong? Knowing that he loved me, and kissing him might only hurt him more if I don't feel anything. Hurting Joe is the last thing I'd ever want to do.

- Joe's POV (again I apologize for having the POV's being unorganized)

I sat on my bed, hugging my knees to my chest. I rocked back and forth, trying to comfort myself. I could feel my heart pulsing through my neck. Each beat closing off my air a little more, but never freeing me and letting me die.

My heart was broken into pieces, and each of those pieces were breaking themselves into shards. I lost Caspar. I already knew. I lost Caspar. I have nothing left. Nothing. I have nothing left. Nothing. I have nothing left. Nothing. I was going to drive myself insane. I'm not crazy. I can't be crazy. I can't go to a mental ward. I can't be locked away. I was just broken. I can't be going insane. No. No. I started throwing my body back and forth. Calm. Joe stay calm. I could feel my breathing go short and raspy. I could see my body shaking. I could feel my head throbbing. And yet I couldn't stop any of it.

"STOP!" I screamed to myself. My voice sounded so close, but it didn't feel like my own. "STOP!STOPSTOP!" I repeated, trying to gain control of my voice. I felt my body hit the ground. I had rocked myself too hard.

Caspar came into view in the doorway. My eyes went huge, a huge rush of fear rushing over me, I reached out trying to grasp him, but I couldn't reach.

"CASPAR. You can't leave me, you can't. You can't leave me, okay Caspar? You have to keep talking to me! You can't move out! You can't leave! You can't leave me here. You can't let me go crazy. Caspar. Caspar don't go. Caspar." The fear. The rush. The pain. The need I felt to convince him to stay. It was taking my breath away.

- Caspar's POV -

I had heard a crashing noise, so I drifted to Joe's room to see what it was. He was on the ground, his eyes so wide and bloodshot, the veins in his eyes almost sticking out. He was on the floor, on his hands and knees. He extended an arm out to me trying to reach me. The panic on his face held me captive. I couldn't move. Couldn't speak. He started yelling things rapidly about how I couldn't leave. The way his body was shaking, the eager tone in his voice all held me down with fear. What was happening?

I stood there in the doorway. I couldn't leave Joe. He was still yelling at me, but his words came out so quickly I couldn't understand anything. I dialed Zoe's number. I would have called 911 but the thought of anyone taking him away scared me.


"Caspar? Oh my God what's wrong? You sound terrible."

"It's Joe. He's. He's shaking. He's on the ground, yelling at me not to leave him. He's freaking out. Zoe help me-"

"Is it a panic attack?" Zoe asked, her voice soft and choppy.

"How the hell would I know?" Nervous tears pushed against my eyes, "I've never witnessed a panic attack!"

"Caspar," Her voice changed slightly, "Just listen to me. I know what to do."

"Caspar you there?"

"Yeah." I said, falling to my knees. Joe had stopped yelling, instead his hands moved to his chest, "ZOE. ZOE! I think he's having trouble breathing."

"Caspar. Remain calm. If he sees you panicking it will only trigger his attack worse. Sit eye level to him."

I walked over. I wasn't scared of what Joe might do physically to me. I was scared of seeing him this way.

"Okay tell him to breath in for five seconds. Hold your breath for two seconds. Exhale for five seconds."

"Joe." Joe's eyes locked with mine. "Breath in with me." He followed my lead as I sucked in air, "One... Two... Three.. Four... Five...".

I repeated what Zoe told me to do over and over. Joe's eyes were calm, his shaking was minimal, and his breathing was steadying.

"Joe. I'm going to leave the room for a couple minutes. I am going to come back. Focus on your breathing." I said, and Joe nodded.

I walked out of the room to talk to Zoe more privately, "He's calm. You did it. You did it Zoe."

"No, Caspar. You did it." The line went dead. I removed the phone from my ear, and stared at it. She hung up?

I leaned against the hallway wall, listening to Joe breathing, trying to calm myself.

I had truly and honestly thought for a second that I might completely lose Joe. That moment was more scary than facing Garold. Thinking about that was harder than forgiving Garold. And I knew at that moment, that I loved Joe. My love for him was so strong, that it even outdid any hate I felt for Garold. The numbness I had felt was my heart preparing itself. It had to empty itself of the hated it had harbors so it could make room for the immense amount of love that was rushing in.

I walked back into the room, and saw Joe on the floor, sleeping. His chest rising and falling in perfect pattern. His head slightly swaying every time he inhaled. I smiled, and picked him up and set him on the bed. I pulled the covers up to his chin, and he turned over, still sleeping.

"I love you Joe Sugg. I will never leave you. I will never let you go crazy. I will never let you have to be scared. I will always be here to hold you." I whispered into his ear. I brought my lips down to mere centimeters away from his, but stopped myself. As badly as I craved a single kiss, it didn't feel right without his approval. I crawled into bed next to him, completely ignoring the fact that it was only 4pm. I slipped my hand into his, and drifted off to sleep.

--A/N FULL IDEA CREDIT FOR PANIC ATTACK GOES TO Swimmer4eves. Tbh I've never witnessed a panic attack so I had to do a little bit of researching but idk if its completely accurate so sorry if I offend anyone with my lack of knowledge.

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