-Caspar's POV(sorry for the POV's being kind of unorganized, it's only going to be Caspar's POV for the slight beginning)-
I heard a slight noise, and turned my head. Joe was standing there, his eyes wide, one hand covering his mouth, his entire body trembling. I stared at Joe. I really stared at him. And I felt nothing. I didn't feel the anger, or the hatred. But I didn't feel the love or the longing. I felt... nothing but peace. Did peace mean I wouldn't love Joe anymore though?
An even worse idea struck me. Joe was the first person who had ever truly fallen in love with me. Not the puppy love, but the real love. The kind that makes you stay awake all night thinking about them. The kind that makes your heart ache at just their name. But, was it Joe that I was in love with? Or was the idea of love that I was in love with? Garold had punctered a huge hole in my heart that I thought would never be filled. But seeing and feeling my love... or was it Joe's love for me that I felt that healed it? Was it the healing I was in love with? Or was it Joe? Now that I had completely healed all the wounds, why was I feeling nothing towards Joe? My head ached from all the thought. I was in love with Joe.. right?
My feelings were those similar to one who might have witnessed a death. A death that was needed, and right. But a death cannot be openly rejoiced. A death has to be given time to fully heal. The death I had witnessed was the death of Caspar's hatred, and anger towards Garold. Caspar was mourning. I could tell he felt.. at peace. I saw him staring at me. I couldn't read his emotion. I couldn't tell if he was happy, or sad, or angry. I hated when I couldn't read him.
I tried to find my voice. I tried to call out to him. But my voice was locked deep in my throat, and I couldn't reach it.
"How long were you there?" Caspar asked. I still couldn't read his tone, his expression. I couldn't read the little things I used to be able to. Like the way his fingers tapped against his legs when he was annoyed. He was just still, and stable. It was me who was a wreck.
I had never known. I had never guessed, assumed, or asked. If someone had told me even just a small piece of what Caspar had gone through, I wouldn't have believed them. I wouldn't have ever thought that someone who had gone through so much pain could smile so brightly. Or laugh so openly. Or love so deeply.
After seeing Caspar today. After seeing how strong he was, I could almost feel the love I had for him swallowing my heart. It swallowed more and more, and I feared there wouldn't be any room left for me to ever love anyone else. Caspar was the most amazing person I had ever met. I took back any harsh words I had thrown at him. I took back any anger I had felt towards him. I took back any pain I caused him. I was so beatific for Caspar. The happiness I had felt for him exceeded any pleasure I had ever felt myself. But I was also scared. I was scared of the love I felt. I was scared of the way it was taking over my entire heart.
It occurred to me just why, exactly, love was red. It was not red just for the boldness love is. It was not red just for the passion, and depth that love is. Red is also the color of pain. Red is also the color of blood. And love can hurt. Love can kill.
"Joe?" Caspar was still awaiting my answer.
And I found it. I found my voice, and a million thoughts came out at once, that not even I could figure out what I was saying, "SOPROUDHAPPYWHOLETHINGISAWSORRYLOVEYOUPAINSMILE-"
"Joe!" Caspar's blank face was replaced with a grin.
I stopped talking to catch my breath, "Basically. The main ideas in my crazy head right now are that I'm so proud and astonished and in complete awe. And-"
"Joe. Thank you. But I kind of need to be alone right now. To, process things."
I nodded, and wondered how he could maintain being so calm.
"Caspar wait!" I called out after him. My feet wouldn't move. My arms wouldn't sway. I was frozen in place, but I managed to find my voice. He turned around.
"Caspar I can't hold it in any longer. I... I love you." I broke. Every wall I had broke down. My heart was in Caspar's hands to hold, or to crush.
The look on his face was so happy, that it was sad. The smile was so wide, that it looked forced. His eyes were so bright, that the emotions were hidden. I was beyond confused. What was Caspar feeling? I could almost feel his fingers tightening around my heart. Was he holding it closer, or preparing to crush it?
"Can you.. can you wait for my answer?" He asked. Was it hopefulness or pity in his eyes? Was it confusion or rejection in his voice? Why couldn't I read him at all?
I nodded. He turned. I watched. He left. There were a million questions I wanted to ask, but I knew now wasn't the time.
I went into my room and flopped onto my bed. What was I thinking? Confessing right after Caspar had gone through probably one of, if not the, hardest day of his life. What did I expect? Him to jump right into my arms after going through something so emotionally challenging? He already had a lot to think about, and I just ended up piling more onto his plate.
I smashed my pillow against my head. I found myself unconsiously walk into Caspar's room.
"Joe?" He was sitting on his bed, staring at his wall.
"Ha..ha.. joke.. the confession was a joke.. yeah.." I stammered, slowly.
His facial expression looked relieved. It was the first of his emotions I had read today, and it was the last one I wanted to see, "I see."
I ran out of the room so he wouldn't see my face. He was relieved? He was glad it was a joke? He didn't care about me? He would have rejected me anyways?
Without even knowing it, Caspar had smashed my open heart to pieces. A small part of me was glad I took it back by saying it was a joke. At least then I wouldn't have to be rejected. But the relief on his face was burned like poison into my mind. It was eating my thoughts away, but I couldn't get it out.
--A/N My friend Nat edited the cover for meeee~<3 It's so cute I can't even.
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He Loves Me... Not? || Jaspar Fanfic (Caspar lee x Joe Sugg)Fanfiction
"Friends can cuddle, right?" I asked, inching closer to Joe. "Yeah." Joe said, opening one eye adorably to look at me. "They can kiss too?" I whispered, his scent alone sending chills up my spine.