Chapter 06: The Dark Witch Willow Pape

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Kim arrived at the Brew Palms wearing a new black dress, new shoes, and new white earrings. The earrings were not her favorite but they were all she could afford after she made the terrible mistake of buying some furniture for her apartment. She thought a table or some artwork would make the room feel less depressing but instead it had just made her MORE depressed. Now she had a stupid coffee table in the middle of the room that she didn’t even care about. Her mental health would have been much better served by buying more clothes and accessories, but now it was too late and she couldn’t even sell it back, which seemed deeply bogus.

Still, she liked her new clothes, and had spent about an hour fussing with different hairstyles, and trying to coordinate her lips and fingernails and eye shadow colors just perfectly. She wasn’t even sure she had enough money to make it back home after the party, but mentally she felt better than she had in a while, so it was worth it. If worst came to worst she would just find a bird to slap around for a couple of hours.

Also, Kim had to say: as weird as this world was, she was loving the whole closet shopping interface thing. She just stood there, trying on different separates, mixing and matching to style different looks, and then she purchased them and they immediately appeared. The future was amazing. She was very into this technology. It seemed born of an especially potent and dark magick. 

The Brew Palms turned out to be a hipster bar, every available surface covered in finished wood. She had thought “brew” might mean it was a coffee shop, but judging from the beanie on the bartender, this was definitely a hipster bar, and douchie bros were definitely going to want to talk to her about their home-brewing setup all night. Awesome.

Kim found Other Kim standing right in the center of the room, smiling and waiting for her. After a quick hand hug Other Kim explained that Simon, the manager she wanted Kim to meet, had had to leave early, but they would meet at his office tomorrow morning. “Hang out! Have fun!” Other Kim said. 

“We’ll see!” Kim replied. Honestly all she wanted to do was run back home and mess around with hairstyles for another hour, but she decided to give it a shot and hang around for a bit so Other Kim wouldn’t get angry. 

Kim didn’t even have enough money for a drink so she wandered around and interacted with people. The only people who wanted to talk to her were dudes, and they were all terrible. One guy only wanted to talk about his cat. Another just kind of stood there, like Kim was supposed to immediately decide whether she wanted to network or fall in love with him. She opted for Zero of the Above.

It was incredibly frustrating, all these men thinking it was acceptable to talk to her. She was Kim Kardashian, and she had standards, and it was not OK for any random guy to just assume he had a shot with her. Was it a level thing? She hadn’t thought about it since the photo shoot earlier but maybe this thing about leveling up would allow her to create a protective barrier against horrible men. 

Kim turned around to do one last loop and found herself cornered by some white dude in an extremely tight vest. He started talking to her but honestly she was too distracted by his overly swooshy hair to pay much attention to what he was saying. He had a bunch of questions about how she knew Other Kim, and was making dumb small talk about trying to make it in Hollywood, and suggested they exchange numbers. Kim agreed just to get out of the conversation. While he was distracted looking at his phone she bumped against him and grabbed the cash that bounced out of him so she’d have enough money to get home.

Then she looked around the bar and saw that Other Kim had already peaced out, so there was 100% no reason for her to stay any longer. Kim pushed her way out through the doors and inhaled the cool air of Hollywood freedom. 

Suddenly the shriekiest voice Kim had ever heard knifed its way into her ears. “OMG! Who the eff do you think you are?”

Kim turned and saw...Paris? Paris Hilton? And suddenly she remembered: Paris in her bedroom that night, threatening her, casting a banishment spell against her. The memories were fuzzy but coming through in waves, faster than her mind could even track them. 

But wait, this wasn’t Paris, was it? It looked like Paris but it didn’t. Kim’s heart was racing and she could hardly breathe. What was happening?

“Who are you?” Kim asked.

“There’s NO WAY you just asked me that,” the blonde screeched. “I’m Willow Pape,  duh. What did you think you were doing? You were clearly hitting on my boyfriend in there.”

Kim couldn’t even begin to imagine which of the stalky douchebros she’d met had the pleasure of being this bitch’s boyfriend. And she had never heard of this person in her life. She was so confused and just wanted to get home and lie down. 

“Umm, no I wasn’t hitting on me,” Kim said. 

A storm cloud immediately appeared above Willow’s head, casting an evil glow across her face. “I’m much too famous to deal with you, gutter trash hashtag ratchet,” Willow said.

Why was she speaking in hashtags? Was it a spell of some kind? Kim felt dizzy, swaying on the sidewalk with Willow glaring over her, while in her head she saw Paris standing over her bed, threatening her. She was in two places at once. Something terrible was happening and she needed to end it, now. 

Kim launched herself at Willow, meaning to tear the blonde’s face off with her perfect fingernails. But Willow easily dodged the attack, and a bolt of lightning from her storm cloud shot out and sent Kim flying back against the Brew Palms. Stunned from the blow she fell to the sidewalk, her energy completely drained. 

“You think you can defeat me so easily?” Willow snarled. “Pathetic E-lister. Buh-bye!” and she turned and walked away.

Kim laid on the sidewalk, trying to breathe, trying to calm her heart, trying to make some sense and order out of the images in her head. She had no energy left, and knew it would be hours before she would be able to move or perform any actions at all. 

But she had learned some important things. 

She had learned that this was not her home, that in fact she had been imprisoned in this world by Paris Hilton. 

She had learned how crucially important one’s level was in this world. 

And she had learned that she needed to kill Willow Pape. 

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