lil' bit of a trans ramble

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I would put this in my spam book but like, this is hardly updated and its trans related sooo im putting it here!

So today i was talking to my friend about a dress i bought and i mentioned it'd look a 1000X better if i had like a big chest? Aka boobs. Lol.
(I just giggled. Y am i such a child)
And he said something along the lines of "you will eventually" and i fell on went "yeah exactly, its ok"

Now this might not seem like a big deal that i plan on like transitioning and like will develop some form of cleavage?

But
Usually i go straight into a strop and say i wont bc im too scared to come out

But in that moment i believed that one day i will look like i should and have what i should.

I didn't argue? I agreed...

And even he said that i sounded more confident on that subject than i usually do?

Then later on i was sat with ma fam and they were talking and like called me my deadname
Imma use it here for context.
Dont anyone ever call me it or else I'll get upset. So dont. If u do on purpose imma kill u and i have many friends who would happily scream at u.

Anyway idk y anyone here would but ah well. Idk what randomers could read this. .
BUT
My dad was like "Ewan yadadad blah blah blah" i forgot what he said... uhh
Anyway he said my deadname and i was gonna turn round to him and say something
In my head i was like "its Billie not Ewan" and i was gonna tell him. I was gonna say it then explain.
But i didnt
But like i think im getting closer tp coming out...

I might do it if/when my gf comes but idfk

Anyway aah

But er yh.
And i sorta feel like im very close to telling my best friend.
I was gonna do it last night but then she was drunk texting me so,, best not. And now i dont wanna rn so yeh.

But idk. I feel really sorta ready to express myself and try and make a change and get what i want and be who i am bc tbh after 2018 and so far in 2019 i fucking deserve to be happy and live as myself....but....there's always gonna be that overwhelming huge fear that im not gonna be accepted that its gonna cause massive rifts in the family etc

But I've done the first part of coming out. I've done the sexuality bit.
And i woulda/shoulda done it a whole lot differently.
I did it on my parents (my dad's) terms. I did the i have to keep it quiet for a while. I did the dont tell other family unless they say it's ok. And i just went "coulda been worse so im gonna take it."
But no. I shoulda ran straight upstairs and put a message on facebook of "hello yes i like boys and girls"
Ofc my entire high school knew but like family etc wouldn't !
I wouldn't have had to hide it still....
I eventually did push through and yh put rainbows on my pfps and like shared gay shit but it took my mum to say she's gonna tell my nan.
I still dont know if my other nan knows ? So thats another thing.... hmmm.

But if i come out to my parents
I come out to EVERYONE.
I go back to my room and put it on Facebook to go stick it on my snapchat and change my name on social medias for irls ! Because when i come out as trans i am BEING Billie!!! And it will be on MY terms

Anyone walks away from me, they're missing out
Im a pretty cool person, they dont wanna get to know the real me? Who's a pretty cool chick? Their loss.

Plus i know i got 2 irl friends who have my back anyway so thats a good damn start

Plus aliyah said if theworst would happen (kicked out, which i doubt but if it was hell living herr I'd run tbh) i could stay at hers :D
She's an angel
She could like be a better friend in terms of how much we hang out and talk but ik if i need her she's there which is nice

Oof anyway i got distracted and now idk where this is going

Sooo maybe I'll ramble again later

Lmao bibi x

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