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Pen Your Pride

After admitting to myself that I liked Kyle, I had no idea how to act around him. I hadn’t liked a guy for years other than Alex, and I never particularly liked him, I just put up with him out of ease.

Each time Kyle would walk by I would feel my muscles tighten, craving his touch. But he would always make a point of not coming near enough to touch me.

His cold attitude wasn’t obvious in front of the others; I had always acted like that with him with everyone else around us. Dan said it himself; we hardly had any conversations. Little did he know about the fling that had happened between me and Kyle.

I tried to talk to Kyle though, of course I did. But he made sure that we were never on our own together so I was never able to speak to him privately, or if we were in a group he would always sit next to someone else or involve himself in other conversations. I just wanted to tell him I was sorry for hurting him and that I wanted something to evolve between us, but he never gave me the chance to. He made a point of staying well clear of me.

2 weeks after we had last spoken and I had had enough. I was at breaking point and needed to talk to someone. I couldn’t talk to Kyle seeing as I never got the chance to. I couldn’t talk to Dan for obvious reasons; I didn’t want to talk about my sex life with my brother. There were so many people that we were on tour with but there was one person that I felt could offer good advice.

I nervously knocked on Will’s hotel room door after I had bundled up the courage to speak to him. “Hey, you okay?” He asked as he opened the door.

“Yeah, can I come in please?”

“Yeah sure, Dan’s not here by the way.” Will said as he held the door open wider for me to enter the room.

“No that’s fine. It’s you I want to talk to.” I smiled as I sat down on the chair in the room.

“Talk away then!”

“So.. I have this friend..” I started with. I wasn’t ready for expressing my feelings about Kyle to Will, I just wanted to see what he would suggest in a hypothetical situation. “And she likes someone else but she doesn’t know how to tell them really. Or whether to tell them at all.”

“So this friend is you then?” Will looked at me blankly.

“Was it that obvious?” I sighed. Clearly I would have to actually come clean about the truth of the situation.

“Yes Taylor. Firstly, whenever someone says ‘a friend needs help,’ it’s usually the person speaking. Plus, no offence meant here, but you have no female friends.”

I nodded. “Fair point, well made. Okay, so it’s me.”

“I’m really flattered Taylor, but I have a girlfriend and I see you as Dan’s sister and-“

“No Will-“ I held my hand up to stop him talking.

“I’m sorry but I just-“

“Will stop! Do you remember the last time you jumped to conclusions? You thought Dan was my boyfriend! So listen to me now. It’s not you.”

“Oh.. Well then I will let you finish.” He said quietly as he sat back in his chair.

“Please don’t tell anyone. But Kyle and I had this thing going on.” I watched as Will’s jaw dropped slightly. “But then I stopped it because it was getting too intense. But now I want something to happen. But he won’t talk to me so I can’t tell him how I feel. Oh Will what do I do?”

“Firstly, Kyle?! How did I not realise. Secondly, if you really think you like him and aren’t going to change your mind then you have to just tell him. And make sure that he knows that you’re serious. I doubt he’s the sort of person that could handle an under the radar relationship. So you need to tell Dan.”

I breathed in slowly. “I was hoping you weren’t going to say that. I guess I’m ready to tell him I like him but I’m not sure about telling other people. I just don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship.”

“That’s something that I can’t really help you with. You need to decide that yourself.”

“That’s another thing I was hoping you wouldn’t say. I don’t know what to do.”

Will paused for a moment. “What are you afraid of Taylor?”

“Everything.” I murmured quietly.

“Well don’t be. At the end of the day, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“I could end up falling out with Dan again.. He could end up falling out with Kyle. All because of me.” I nearly cried at the thought of the mess that I was making of our lives, yet again.

“I highly doubt that will happen. Dan’s been so much happier whilst you’ve been with us. I never thought he was sad before or anything, but I have seen a real change in him. Obviously at first it’s because I thought he was getting laid.” I smacked Will gently on the arm at the memory. “Ouch Taylor! But now I obviously know that it’s because he’s got his family back. You’re the only family that he has and he loves you a lot. I don’t think that just because you’ve fallen for Kyle-“

I smacked Will again. “Woah! I have not fallen for anyone.”

“Ouch again! Okay, I don’t think that just because you’ve been sleeping with and like one of his friends he’s going to hate you.”

I spun the ideas that Will had thrown out around in my head. Surely if Dan did love me he would be happy that I was happy, whether it meant that I was single or with Kyle. “Argh what am I going to do?”

“I don’t know, as I said I can’t help you with that decision. But I can be here to listen to your problems, I’m glad you came to me.” He smiled warmly at me and I smiled back in response.

My conversation with Will didn’t help me in making a decision, but it meant that a weight was lifted off my shoulder and I had someone to talk to about the situation that I had found myself in.

When agreeing to go on tour with Dan I never expected me to develop feelings for one of his bandmates. Having feelings for someone scared me and left me confused as to what I should do.

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