It was no use.
The next thing I realised was that I was sitting in the bathroom with my good old friend, my blade. I'm about to do the stupidest thing since falling for my band mate, yet I possessed no feelings to stop.
My brain was in utter turmoil, I didn't know whether I had the mental strength to stop myself, but I soon knew that I didn't when the voices in my head started being the only things I actually heard.
I finally lifted the blade and it caught in the light, making it look beautiful in my sick and twisted mind.
'Fat', 'ugly', 'worthless, ' trash'; the tears streamed down my face as I gripped the blade till my knuckles turned white. I whispered into the dark abyss, "I love you Luke", before the blade was slashed across my forearm.
I don't really remember what happened next, although I know I woke up inside the bathtub, the stench of dried blood from my forearms making me gag. The little food I had eaten the day before, already being thrown up too.
The normal routine for me began when I started cleaning my cuts, the sting of the disinfectant didn't even make me scream in pain, I barely even whimpered.
How sick was that?
I had decided that I'd better go downstairs and grab breakfast, even if the idea repulsed me. I dusted off my jeans and stood up whilst checking if my scars were visible, but I don't know why I should care, I doubt the other three lads would even notice. Luckily, I found some of my bracelets lying on the counter next to me so I quickly slipped them on just in case.
I jumped down the stairs, taking two at a time, only to see Luke gushing about someone, his eyes glimmering in pure adoration. I could see Calum listening intently, clearly enjoying the gossip session. I saw Mikey take a quick look at me and his eyes softened, which was unusual to say the least.
I quickly looked away and rushed towards the kitchen. I grabbed the vegemite out of the cupboard and decided to have it with toast, since the snack always reminded me of my childhood. The good part, not the part where I was constantly bullied at the hell hole, also known as school.
"Oi, Gaylord, over here" bellowed Todd and his gang from the other side of the hallway.
I knew if I didn't obey his command, I would be faced with an even worse future, so I edged my way timidly over to him, wondering what type of assault I would receive today.
"Why are you still here fag? - I thought you would have got the message by now that no one likes you, you know what, why don't you just go and kill yourself? - then we will never have to see your pathetic and ugly face again?"
Ouch, that comment hit home, I don't think people realise the amount of times I have wanted to just slice open my wrists and escape this pathetic little world, I'm forced to call my life.
Anyway, I cautiously started to step away from Todd, considering how I was about to break down in tears any second. I couldn't give him any more reasons as to why he should torment me.
He noticed the gap between us immediately and pulled me towards him, but in the rough process, my shirt creased up, exposing a few fresh cuts on my wrist, but also the mound of faded scars overlapping each other.
I panicked and cringed at what was about to come, so I tried to tear away from Todd's grip but I had no luck. Instead, everyone was bursting out into laughter whilst Todd screamed out
"This dick also cuts himself, what an emo!".
Well at least you now know about my horrendous school experience.