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I cant stay...

I cant stay...

I cant stay!

My breath was ragged, a mess. I was a mess, everything was a mess. I had broken everything with my mouth, with my words, with me! I had broken everything, I had ruined everything, I had done it, it had all been me!


I struggled to breathe as I made my way down the main street of our little town. I had grabbed the remaining cash I had left, the cash I had taken from Bryan's green box yesterday, and I had fled. I fled from the strangers occupying my childhood home, I fled from the anger, the guilt, the misplaced hatred. I just could not deal with it, I could not deal with any of it, I could not deal with anything. I had been gone for two months, two months which felt like two years, because everything had changed, everyone had changed, I had changed, or had I?

My chest heaved as I struggled to draw air into my lungs, my breath felt broken, like a doll in shreds. My eyes were wide with fright as I peered around me. People were staring at me, their heads turning to follow me as I passed them on the street. Their eyes were everywhere! Eyes all around me, just staring at me!

Dont look!

Dont look!

Dont look at me!

Stop staring at me!

Stop it!

Just stop it!

"Isn't that the girl..." I caught some of their words as I passed them by, my ears straining as my body went into full fight or flight mode. "Yeah, Melissa and Jarrod's girl... the prissy princess that ran away for attention... I heard that it was all a ploy.. all for five minutes of fame.. yeah... it sure made her momma famous..." The strangers words were followed by a scoff, a snicker, and a not so hushed whisper of "I hear she is quite the slut! Iris was it? Yes, I heard that one time she sucked off..."

Tears blinded my burning eyes, as my pace went from a nervous fast trot to an all out sprint.


Just leave me alone!

Just leave me the fuck alone!

I dont want your attention... I dont want any attention...

That's not me your talking about... its not me...

My feet guided my way as I ran down the sidewalk, my mind was too numb to give them any directions, but still they knew just where to go.

Home... I need to go home...


I need Bryan...


I leaned against the side of the bus, my body slightly hunched over as I struggled to control my dry, shallow breath. It was a horrid result of my sudden bout of running combined with the wicked way my mind worked. I glanced in front of me, at the neat line of people that had formed in front of the bus. I straightened up, and walked over to join them. They payed the driver and was granted entry into his vehicle, into his domain.

"The train station please." I handed the driver the cash, and he gave me the change, not even bothering to spare me a second glance. People running to catch a bus was nothing new to him, nothing note worthy, I wasn't note worthy. Which was just the way I wanted it, I hated to be noticed, I hated to be watched, I hated their eyes. So many eyes just watching, waiting to see me choke.

I made my way down the aisle, passing several other passengers on the way, careful not to make any eye contact. I sat down in the far back, resting my head against the cold glas window on my right. The coolness felt nice against my heated cheek. I didn't have a backpack with me to ward of any unwanted companions at my side this time, but it didn't matter, because the seat next to me remained empty until I reached my destination, four buses and a train ride later.


The gravel crunched beneath the soles of my black ballerinas. I smiled wistfully as I thought about the silly notion that I had had earlier. The notion that these unchanged shoes would be the ones to bring me back home again, and in a twisted sense that was the actual truth. These shoes were bringing me back home, just not to the home I had imagined.

The cheerful chirping sounds of several birds mingled with the sound of rustling leaves. The soft wind, as it made its way though the trees surrounding me, made the suns hot glare more than bearable, the wind had even helped make the long walk back enjoyable.

I rounded a bend in the road, my eyes fixed upon his house as it came into view in the far off distance. His house was surrounded by an army of green trees, it was his fortress in the woods.


Is he home?

Is he mad?

Is he out looking for me?

Does he still care?

Does he still want me?

Does he still.... love me...

Butterflies attacked my stomach as I left the forest behind me. I entered the clearing, my feet growing heavy as I made my way up the graveled path that led up to his home.


My feet got stuck in the gravel, and I could not for the life of me raise them up onto the wooden steps that led to the front door. I could not close the distance that would lead me to him, to his warm embrace, to his love.

Is he even home?


My eyes were fixed upon the doors handle, and I watched as it went down. The door opened, and his towering frame filled the doorway. He was home, he was here, Bryan was here. Had he been here all along? My eyes blurred under the sudden scrutiny of his dark, blurry cinnamon orbs. I lost myself in his moist eyes, unable to pull away or see anything else other than the shade of dark brown that I had come to love. I fell so deep into the vastness of his soul that I never saw his shaking hand move, nor did I see the first tear as it fell, I didn't even hear the sound of the gun as it went off. All I saw was cinnamon, and then I saw nothing.

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