Epilogue

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« Ethan, 

It's 1am. You just dropped me at my apartment, my dad is not coming home until 4am.
I know I told you he was already there waiting for me, I know I lied.
You were driving me home in the middle of the night and I just couldn't bring myself to say goodbye.
Because you know as well as I do that you'd never have let me go and stay home alone if you knew in what state I am right now.

But I needed to be alone tonight.

Because I feel like tonight is the night. Do you understand what I mean ?

I know it.
I feel it in every inch of my body.

Something inside of me changed. Something very fragile and irreplaceable broke.

I came to this point where I watch the world turn around me but I no longer feel like I'm part of it.

And I didn't wanted to die in my sleep. I wanted to die doing something amazing, something that I love.
But I feel like it's not gonna happen.

I am so tired and I need to sleep.

I always thought about how cool it would be to die while skydiving, so that the last thing you get to see is how beautiful earth is. And the last thing you get to feel is the air against your face while you're falling.

All my life I thought about that, about how I was going to die.

I wanted it to be special, I didn't wanted to just die and people to be like, "oh, she died, how unfortunate."

But now I know that I have nothing to be scared of. Because even if I didn't get to go skydiving, I get to see you. And it worths everything. It's way better. I got to see your eyes one last time and nothing could be better than that.
I'm not scared to go to sleep. The only thing I'm scared of is that I can feel myself leaving, while I still have so many more things to say to you. I'm not done yet.

Ethan...

The doctors, the nurses and the oncologists, they said it'll not hurt but it does.
It's like I'm burning from the inside.

I can feel it in my veins.
The cancer.
I can feel it killing everything on its way. I can feel it taking my breath away. I can feel it take my life away. Slowly.

Some may say that because I have been through so much pain in my life I should be used to it by now. But I'm not.

I don't think someone can get used to that.

That's humanly impossible.

And that scares me even more.

I thought I was prepared for that...

I'm not ready but ready at the same time.

I think I want to die. But I'm scared.

I'm scared to loose you, you know ?

Is it stupid to say that, when I'm the one who is gonna die and you're the one who's gonna have to live with the pain ?
I'm scared because what if there is something after death ? Like an eternity of darkness.
Would I feel alone ?
Would I miss you ? Everyday, for eternity ?
That scares me.

I should have kissed you longer.

I should have told you more often that I love you.

I'm scared to wake up in a world where you don't exist.

But how lucky am I to have someone that makes goodbyes so hard ?

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