Chapter 73 - alcohol

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POV Ethan


The burning sensation caused by the alcohol in my mouth and in my throat made me caught.

I never drink.
But for some reason I needed to now. I needed to feel worse than before. I needed to feel different.

I'm disgusting myself.

I hate the person that I've become.

I take my last glass of vodka in my hand and empty it in one gulp.

It burns my throat, and I hate alcohol more than anything.


I clumsily made my way out of the bar and walked the best I could to the beach. It wasn't far, thanks God, or else I would for sure have fall asleep in the middle of the road and probably got hit by a car.

Which wouldn't be that bad, thinking about it.

Please hit me with your car...

I walk along the water, not even caring if my shoes get wet. I can't feel it anyway.

It's getting dark outside, and the sea probably looks stunning with the red setting sun, but I don't care.

I don't want to care.


I turned around brutally. But nobody's here.

"Ethan." I heard again.
"Where are you ?" I screamed.

I know that voice. I could have recognized her among 7 billion humans.

"Where are you ?!" I cried.


I turned around.

"Hi." Mao said when our eyes met.

My heart stopped.

I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe.

I wanted to run to her but I couldn't. And she wasn't walking towards me.
We were staring at each other and she had a little smile on.

"Hi." I answered.

She smiled even more and I swear I could hear my heart beating in my chest.

"I miss you..." I told her, tears coming to my eyes.
"I know." She said, still smiling.

I frowned, the alcohol still burning my throat.

"Are you real ?" I asked.

But she didn't answered. She kept smiling at me.

"How are you, Ethan ?" She asked, changing subject.
"I -" I started to say, but cut myself off, unsure of what I wanted to tell her.

"What ?"

I didn't said enough, I had so much to say to her. And she seemed so real. And God, she was so beautiful.
More beautiful than I remember.

"Come on, tell me." She insisted.
"It's nothing."

I didn't say anything for a few seconds.

"I'm just angry." I confessed.

She smiled once again and tears from too much frustration came out and started running down my cheeks. How could she be smiling at a time like this ?

"I'm angry at you..." I told her.

She kept smiling and just stared at me.

"Why ?" She finally asked.

I said nothing. I wasn't even 100% sure why I was angry at her right now. She was not even real.

"You can scream at me, I don't care." She said.

But I remained silent.

"Come on, Ethan. Let it out, I'm not going anywhere." She told me.

And I lost it.

"Of course you're not going anywhere, Mao ! You're just in my head ! You're not even there, you don't exist anymore ! Because you're fucking dead !" I screamed at her, still not being able to move.

She said nothing, she just kept looking at me with her little smile.

"One day you're here and the next one you're gone ? Just like that, Mao ? Without a word ? Without a goodbye ? And I'm supposed to accept that ?!" I screamed at her.

I closed my eyes and surprisingly I was able to move and wrap my arms around myself.

Tears where slowly running down my cheeks.

"My heart wants to come home. But you're not fucking there anymore..." I whispered.

It hurts.

God, Mao. It hurts so bad...

I look at her and now she was way closer than before.

She put her hand on my cheek, but I couldn't feel it.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

I would have done anything to feel her hand on me right now. Anything.

"You have to let me go." She told me, whispering.

I shook my head.

"I can't."

She smiled at me.

"Yes you can."

I looked at her eyes and a sudden burst of anger and sadness and frustration invaded my entire body.

So I screamed the loudest I could, until it started hurting more than the alcohol.

And I kept screaming, her face a few inches from mine, static.

"Let me go." She repeated, calmly, while I was screaming at her.

"Stop running away."


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