thirty-six | exploding like fireworks

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december 31stdallas, america

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december 31st
dallas, america

I LAID BESIDE XAVIER, stroking his arm as we stared at the ceiling. He slowly turned his head and I felt his beautiful green eyes peeking at my face, where after his fingers gently entangled in mine. I closed my eyes and breathed out deeply. Every minute I spent with him passed like an express train, like thunder, I could barely keep track of it. The last couple of days Xavier felt sicker than ever before and he didn't feel the need to hide it anymore, therefore he had been in bed all day with having the tough act pulled down. I laid beside a Xavier I had never seen before, unimaginably bare comparable to a tortoise without its shell exposed to the killing environment surrounding it. The walls of his were completely torn down.

I kept all the sad and depressing thought out of my head, prohibited them to come by and instead only focused on the positives. Alternatively, I didn't think about the future but lived every second as they were.

            "I wish I could go outside with you," he said.

            "I know, but it's too risky. A lot of people caught the flu because of the weather, I can't have that happening to you."

            "You're right. You're always right."

            "I'm not," I said as I turned my body and head to look at him. He stuck his tongue out to lick my nose and then started smiling. I laughed about it and shook my head, but rapidly got enchanted when I looked into his eyes – they had something in them that got me every time, maybe it was the little twinkle combined with the gold specks in his irises, maybe it was the specific way he always looked at me; admiring like no one ever had looked at me before, maybe, maybe. I didn't know what distinct features of his made me fall in love, mainly because it were too many to possibly think of. His bad habits made him imperfect and that's exactly what attracted me, he was more than just a model and author from London who served looks and had a strong bed game – many people forgot that he had a personality too. And not just a personality.

            "You know, I thought I'd never be able to love anyone," Xavier said, "I thought loving just wasn't for me, I didn't think I knew what love was. People say that they love someone often even when they don't mean it, the word became meaningless to me. I was very close as a kid with my family, but the older I got and the more I learnt about the purpose of life, the more I distanced myself from people. Still to this day, I don't trust people easily, you know why all of this?"

I shook my head.

            "My mother used to tell my father that she loved him all the time and I thought she meant it. Then one day she loved my father so much that she ended up screwing another man. I was eleven and I didn't know who the man was, but what I did know was that she had been lying to my father."

            "How could she do that?" I asked, shocked by what he just told me, "Darius is one of the most loving people I know. Did you tell him?"

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