Chapter 18

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- Joe's POV -

Watching Caspar leave was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. We didn't even exchange goodbyes. I hated what he did. I hated the fact that Scott had saved me (I wan't mad at Caspar for this, I just hated that it happened). I hated that Caspar let Scott give him the credit. I hated that I had thanked him so many times. But through all the things I hated, I still loved Caspar Lee.

I dragged a chair next to the bed, and stared at Zoe for a moment. I touched her arm gingerly to see if she was awake. No. Good.

"Caspar lied to me. It hurts. It hurts so much. One of the best things about our relationship was our honesty. I relied on that honesty. I knew if we were fighting he'd be honest. I knew if he was sad, it'd take a while to get him to say what happened but he'd be honest about it. He's shattered all of that. So why.. why am I still in love with him? Why am I letting myself break?" My finger tips covered my mouth before sliding up letting my hands cover my face. I tried to stop the tears, but they pushed themselves out. Nobody was going to dry them. Nobody was going to comfort me. Nobody was going to heal me. There was only one person who could do that, and he was also the person I wanted to see least right now.

"Joe," I heard Zoe say softly, tears slipping from her eyes as well. 

"How... how long have you been awake?" I asked, desperately trying to stop crying.

"I woke up when you started talking about Caspar lying to you." Zoe said, using the back of her thumbs to remove the streaks down her face.

"Oh.. you heard that, huh?" The tears stopped for a moment but my face grew even more red with embarrasment.

"Joe. What Caspar did was wrong. But try to just think about it from his point of view." 

"I just, I literally just like, don't even know what to do." I said, rubbing my forehead that had begun to throb.

"Don't think about what to do. Just think about from his point of view."

Caspar stoof frozen over the cliff. Scott saved me. Was Caspar, jealous? Scared, maybe? There were a ton of different ways to get up and down the cliff, he could have gotten easily lost if he tried to come down. I was brought to the top, and Scott gave all the credit to Caspar. I was so happy and thankful. It was wrong of him to let the lie continue, but I see how it would be a bit awkward right then to deny it. 

"I think I kind of understand. But he could have told me the truth any time after. But he chose not to." I said. I was getting less mad at Caspar by the second, but I stopped myself before letting myself forgive him. I still believed he was wrong. 

"Joe, Caspar never lies to you. He slipped up one time! It isn't like you haven't slipped up like in the hospital..." She let her voice trail off, before saying, "I think you should give him another chance."

"What happened to staying away for a while?" I asked.

"Well it's obvious that that is only going to make it worse." She said, sitting up and staring me straight in the eyes.

"I can't forgive him yet." I said, quietly.

"Is it that you really can't forgive him yet, or more of you're holding yourself back because you're scared. I'm not saying you have to do what Caspar did or be like him or anything, I'm just reminding you that he didn't have one complaint about you forgetting him. It must have hurt a lot. But he still forgave you." Zoe said, touching my shoulder comfortingly.

She did have a good point. But I just couldn't let myself yet. She was right, I was holding back because I was scared, but is that really a bad thing? I wanted to protect myself.

"If you really can't see him tonight, then you can stay here." Zoe said.

I nodded a thanks to her. I made my way to her guest room. My breathing stopped for a moment when I remembered what had happened here earlier today. I pushed the memories out of my head, but decided to lay on the floor instead of the bed. 

 I closed my eyes for a while, thinking, really thinking about Zoe's words. 

"Joe! You hungry?" It wasn't until Zoe asked that I realized how hungry I actually was. I made my way to the kitchen, where Zoe was stirring soup. I sat at the table.

"Thanks Zoe. For everything." I said as she placed a steaming bowl in front of me.

"No problem, Joe." She said, sitting beside me. Neither of us spoke a word during the rest of the meal, we were both too lost in thought.

I rinsed my bowl, and returned to the guest room. I sucked in a deep breath, and layed ontop of the bed this time. As soon as my body hit the bed, I knew. I had forgiven Caspar. I slowly started closing my eyes, feeling at peace. I would tell Caspar tomorrow.

I heard my phone ringing, reached over to the table and picked it up.

"Hello?" I said into the phone.

"Joe? Where are you?" I heard Troye's voice of the other end of the line, muffled by loud sounds of other human voices.

"At Zoe's, why?" I asked, staring up at the ceiling. 

"I don't know. Caspar has us all over for a little party, but he looks really down. I think he needs you. I don't know though. Just thought I'd let you know." He said before the line went dead.

I checked my texts.

CASPAR: Joe? I'm having some people over tonight can you come? You won't have to be alone with me.

CASPAR: Joe? Are you coming? People are here.

CASPAR: Joe please come I need you.


CASPAR: Please just reply.

CASPAR: Just reply, Joe please!

He must have sent the messages while I was eating. I was tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep. But the thought of Caspar being sad when I had forgiven him seemed wrong. I knew I could just text him it but I really wanted to say it to him in person. 

"I love you and I forgive you." I practised the words I'd say. 

"Zoe, I'm going out for a bit!" I yelled out, as I stepped out into the street and drove to our apartment. 

I was smiling and excited. I was in love with Caspar Lee, and I had forgiven him completely. Now maybe, we can both be happy for a while. 

I rang the doorbell, which felt odd to do at my own apartment.

Hannah answered the door, "Hey Joe!" She grinned, and stepped aside so I could come in, "I was wondering where you were. We all were."

I felt happy to have such good friends, but right now I needed to see Caspar, "Where's Caspar?" I asked her.

"Umm, last I saw him he was heading to his room I think. But-" 

That was all I needed to hear. Where Caspar was. I felt a little rude but I couldn't stop myself from immediately running straight to Caspar's room. I took a deep breath, and smiled widely before opening the door.

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