I need a large vodka and a gas mask. ASAP.

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Stockholm, Sweden

It's 6am on a Monday morning and I've been called into a meeting with Monica and Lydia.

If ever a more miserable sentence existed in the English language, I'd like to hear it.

I want to be organised and have Harry's schedule for the next month ready and printed out so that I'm not caught out by them. My meeting isn't for another hour so instead of grabbing a quick breakfast, I head down to the makeshift office the hotel has provided me with- which is basically a cupboard with a couple of chairs crammed in. Lydia decided that I would share it with one of the graphics team, Eric, who is notorious for his body odor.

The scent is so foul when I open the door to the tiny room that it kills a handful of my brain cells and part of my soul.

Eric isn't in the room- I tactfully suggested a rota as I think being enclosed in the room with him would actually kill me- but the scent has sort of seeped into the foundations of the the building so the fragrant aroma of onions, cheese and stale sweat smacks me full in the face.

After my gag reflex has had a strenuous work out, I perch on the edge of the chair, trying not to breathe too much. The back of Eric's headrest is covered in little flakes of white dandruff.

My laptop loads up quickly and I'm just carefully typing in the WiFi password when there's a sharp little knock at the half open door.

I can see the sleek red hair through the glass in the door and I swear under my breath, wondering what the stupid power trippy cow wants now. Presumably a minute to gloat over being back on the team and having Lydia on side.

I'm just about to call her in when an idea comes to me. I'll show her who's friends with the real boss. I grab the office phone from my desk and hold it against my neck, praying internally that Eric hasn't had it against his head recently.

With a little peel of laughter, as though I'm talking to someone on the phone, I call Monica into the room. I notice gleefully how her nose curls at the stench. I point at the phone to let her know that I'm talking and direct her to sit in Eric's chair opposite. She does so primly and I turn back to my imaginary phone conversation.

"... Fantastic, Louis!" I laugh heartily, smug in the knowledge that Louis is still asleep and that he hates Monica, much to her annoyance. Because I'm a petty queen, I decide to ham it up and remind the cow that even though she hates me, the people she tries to suck up to like me more. "I think it's a great idea... What?... Of course I won't tell anyone!"

Monica gives me a fake smile, but I can tell the smell of the room is making her feel a little ill, so I decide to keep it going for as long as I can, saying any old shite that wanders into my head and laughing jovially.

It's been a good five minutes and I decide I've made her wait long enough, so with several jolly laughs and prolonged goodbyes, I chuckle as I hang up.

"That was just Louis!" I laugh, rolling my eyes. "You know what he's like when he gets talking!" I grin, knowing full well that Monica wouldn't have a clue what he's like. She gives me a a little smirk before opening her mouth to speak.

"Lydia just asked me to stop off and tell you that someone will be over to connect your office phone in half an hour." She smiles sweetly.

"What?" My heart sinks to my stomach.

"Your phone." She says in a syrupy voice, pointing to the receiver that I've just put down.


"What?" I attempt a laugh but it comes out a little choked. "Mine's already connected-"

"Oh. The engineer hasn't even connected the line yet! Isn't that incredible?" She says in mock surprise.

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