NOT YOUR AVERAGE FAERIE TALE

48 7 0

Author: taesrombs

Genre: Fantasy


The cover photo is interesting and mysterious, but there is no title nor author's name on the cover. Without these important details, the cover is nothing more than a basic photo, and it holds no meaning to the story. Many talented cover artists would be thrilled to design a nice fantasy cover for your story, and I think it would help you become more recognized!
I think the title is interesting, and it fits your story quite well. However, I feel that it would be best if the whole title weren't capitalized. 

Grammatical Errors: 
Chapter 1: "Run and never stop running, that was..." Here, the phrase "Run and never stop running" should either be italicized or placed between quotation marks to show your audience the significance of the the words. 
Chapter 2: "'Apologies my King...'" Here, the word "king" does not need to be capitalized, as it is not a proper noun. In this case, it is used just as a word. However, if you used the word to say "King (his name)," then it would be capitalized, since it is his proper title. If it is not used as a title, it does not need to be capitalized. 
Chapter 2: "'Listen boi you may not see it now...'" The word "boi" here is not an actual word, and you should change this to "boy."
Chapter 2: "There it was the reason why him and the king couldn't coexist." Here, the word "him" should be changed to "he." In order to spot this kind of word usage more easily, you could remove "the king" and find what works correctly: "There it was, the reason why he couldn't coexist." or "There it was, the reason why him couldn't coexist." By doing this, it is much easier to spot the difference and choose the word that fits more appropriately. 

Throughout the story, I noticed quite a few run-on sentences and missing punctuation. Often times, I find it easier to spot punctuation mistakes when I read my story out loud. If you speak your story aloud, you will be able to find areas in which sentences are too drawn-out or choppy. Whenever you pause mid-sentence while reading your story, this is usually where a comma should be placed. It may also help to ask a friend to read your writing, as other people can often find mistakes that we overlook.
I also noticed that you put a space on either side of your commas, completely isolating them from their sentences. You should place your commas directly after words with a space after them, but there does not need to be a space before you place a comma. 

I found the plot to be very interesting, and you paced the story well. I love how you incorporated little background details about the characters' families and the world that they live in. Your explanations are interesting and it is clear that you have put much thought into who the characters are. I also especially like how you mixed the characters' thoughts so smoothly with their actions and dialogue. In general, you did a great job of describing how they were feeling along with what was occurring around them. 

The first chapter was an interesting and attention-grasping start to your story, but it would be more entertaining if you offered more sensory details and visuals on the world around the characters. What did Rolland look like? What did Willow look like? What did they smell like? What were they wearing? What did the environment around them smell like? What did it sound like? The more sensory details that you include, the better. This gives your audience a clearer idea of the setting and it allows them to understand the characters and the story more thoroughly. You may also want to expand on the events that occur. In the first chapter, how was Rolland feeling as he hacked at the vine? How was Willow feeling when she was stuck? Was she scared? Why did Roland treat her so kindly, especially since they were complete strangers? Why did Rolland feel such a connection to her? These are all points that you should add onto in order to make the story as lively and realistic as possible. 

The characters seem interesting and unique, but they are not quite as well developed as they could be. The audience has a general idea of who they are and what their ranking in society is, but your characters don't know much about them otherwise. Are they kind? Snobbish? How are their families? I also think that Rolland and Willow's first encounter was quite predictable.
What I currently think will happen later in the story is that Rolland will fall in love with Willow, but it will be more of a "forbidden" kind of love, and it will become a sort of secret love affair. In the first chapter, it is obvious that Rolland and Willow connected, but why exactly? What did they see in each other? Personally, I think it would be more interesting if you draw their relationship out more, making your audience question how they really feel about each other. If the characters immediately fall for each other, your audience can predict what will happen later in the story. Consider adding a bit more suspense into your story and drawing the plot out slightly more. I think this would be extremely beneficial to your book.

Something I observed throughout the story as well is that the dialogue is a bit inconsistent. Rolland is a highly-ranked prince in society, and his father is a king. I found that the dialogue was a bit too easygoing where I would have expected it to be more proper and regal. I thought it was a bit awkward in areas too, such as in Chapter 2 where Rolland said "You summoned me?" and his father replied with "Is that any way to greet your father?" Rolland then responded with "Apologies my King." This seems almost more awkward and improper than how Rolland originally greeted his father. By calling his own father "my king," it makes it seem as if Rolland works in the castle as a servant or guard. I feel that it would be more realistic if Rolland addressed the king as his father rather than "his king." 

The character descriptions are also slightly inconsistent throughout the story. At the beginning of Chapter 2, it was explained that the king preferred to be treated and respected like a General. However, later in the chapter, it was also said that the king liked council meetings because he could flaunt his power. The beginning of the chapter made the king seem like an honorable and respectful man, but as the chapter went on, he seemed more rude and inconsiderate. I also suggest you add names and titles throughout your description, as it became a bit difficult to follow who was speaking later in Chapter 2. When the prince and the king began arguing, the audience started to lose track of who was saying what. 

Also, you should remain aware of head-hopping, as I observed a few instances in which this happened. Head-hopping is when you describe the thoughts of multiple characters, rather than only the character whose viewpoint you are writing from. For example, in Chapter 2, you wrote "he hated this discussion as much as his son." Here, you wrote from the king's viewpoint, when you should have been showing this through Rolland's eyes. Instead, you could rephrase it to say "Rolland could see that the king hated this discussion as much as he did." This then turns the sentence back to Rolland's point-of-view while simultaneously describing the king's thoughts. 

Overall, I think the story has lots of potential and you did an EXCELLENT job of showing the characters' relationships with others and what their lifestyles were like. With some grammatical changes and a few more descriptions and details, I think the story could improve dramatically, and you would be able to draw in all the attention that you deserve!

Book Reviews (Closed for Catch-Up)Read this story for FREE!