of course it all had to go to shit. because god forbid anything would ever go completely right for me. god forbid something good actually happen to me for once.
pushing the door closed behind me, i pushed my hands inside the pockets of my jeans. i could make up hundreds of excuses on the spot for what she had seen, and blame my temper on few hours of sleep. but sooner or later, she would know. i was slowly pulling her into my life.
as i stared at the girl in the hallway, i knew what i had to do. she knew too much. even if she wouldn't make sense of what she had seen, it was still too much. and i couldn't afford it.
and yet, as i saw a mere glimpse of fear in her eyes, the way she recoiled under my stare, i couldn't bring myself to even think of hurting her. sure, i knew i was a monster, or at least i was becoming one.
but it was the first time someone looked at me like i was one.
"are you going to explain what that is all about?" she crossed her arms over her chest, almost as if bracing herself for some harsh truth. she knew, she was too smart not to know.
"why does it matter to you? and why couldn't you for once do what i asked and actually stay away?" i replied, clenching my fists.
i knew that, if i couldn't bring myself to hurt her, i would have to take another route. i would have to make her fear me so much that she wouldn't dare to come any closer, to dig any further. after all, i only needed three more days, and after that all would be over.
"i was just coming over here to thank you for what you did earlier today and--"
"well save it," i cut her off, holding my hand up in the air. "i'd much rather you forgot all about that. i'd much rather you forgot all about me."
she was visibly taken aback by my words, arms hanging limp beside her body. she looked up at me, biting on the inside of her cheek, as if digesting what my words meant.
i took that opportunity to push her further away. i had to.
"just because i did what i did, doesn't mean you matter shit to me," i spoke, keeping my voice emotionless. "i did it out of pity, and quite honestly, i truly regret it because i knew you wouldn't get off me after that."
the last part truly hit a nerve, eyes closing slightly.
"excuse me? who do you think you are? you've known me for all of two seconds and you think you know anything about who i am and what i would do?" she raised her voice slightly, her ears turning red from visible anger. but i didn't let it stop me.
"and yet here you are, coming right back to me with probably some lame ass excuse," i tsked her. "to be honest, i didn't think it'd be this easy to get you wrapped around my finger. you even let me in your bed, i could have easily had my way with--"
i didn't continue my sentence as i felt something hitting my cheek, turning my head slightly to the side. as i rubbed the tender flesh, i watched as miyeon slowly lowered her hand, her eyes brimming with tears. i felt a pang in my chest. but it had to be done.
"you're sick," she spoke, her voice cracking slightly. "and i don't know what kind of shit you've gotten into, and i don't want to know it either, but i know i want nothing to do with it. and i don't want the motel to be part of it either. take your stuff and leave. now."
turning away from her, i didn't say anything else. i got what i wanted, i got to push her away before she could find out what was really going on. before she thought of me as an even bigger monster than she did right now.
because i could handle the look of disgust in her eyes. i could handle the anger, i could handle the rage.
but i couldn't handle her fearing me. not when she was so innocent, so kind, and so full of hope in the world.
i could break her heart this once, i thought. but i couldn't break her soul.
"and by the way," she stopped me before i could close the door. "you never meant that much to me either, jackass."
and with that, she stormed off, leaving me with my heart on my throat.
because while i didn't mean any of the words i said, i wasn't sure if she was lying as well.
closing the door after me, i let out a growl in rage and threw the pinboard to the ground out of rage, sitting on the ground with my hands in my hair.
because not only had my plan gone to shit, i was suddenly feeling heartbroken and alone all over again.