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tuesday, july 13th, 2018

so i don't really know why i'm writing this, kun just told me it'd be useful. so i guess ill start with the basics just in case this "diary" is found in a hundred tears. my name is wong yuhkei, stage name: lucas. i'm 19 and i'm from hong kong, china. i'm a member of the idol group neo culture technology, nct for short, always in the public eye, always a camera around. so, naturally, fans think they know basically everything there is to know about me. but there's one thing that they don't know. nobody knows, not even mark or kun.

i can't remember faces; my own, my family, my friends, nobody. i have prosopagnosia, face blindness, a messed up brain. it's like when i look in the mirror then look away, and when i look in the mirror again, i don't recognise myself. it's like the slate is wiped clean or when you shake an etch-a-sketch and i don't know what to do. it's worse with friends.

how did this happen? well when i was younger, around five or six, i was home alone and i had a bunk bed at the time so one day when i had my best friend over, we were chasing each other around my room and i jumped off the bunk bed and ended up hitting my head off something, knocking myself unconscious. i woke up in the hospital, unable to recognise anyone around me. the doctors put it down to slight memory loss and said it would go away in a while but when it didn't, that's when i was diagnosed with prosopagnosia. wasn't the best time for me.

how do i cope with it? well, i find identifiers in everyone. for me, my identifier is probably my height, big brown doe eyes, big lips or my so-called "gorilla" laugh. identifiers make things a tiny bit easier but i still can't remember what any of my friends look like. obviously i know who they are but if you were to ask me right now what they looked like from memory, i wouldn't be able to tell you.

it's hard, but it's one of the reasons i became an idol. i tell people it's because i wanted to pursue music career, this, of course, is true otherwise i wouldn't be doing it. another reason i became an idol is because when you're "famous" nobody expects you to remember them because you see so many people. this might be true for some but even if i wanted to remember them, i can't.

i want to tell somebody but i'm afraid of what they'll say. i'm scared of what will happen if anybody finds out. will they hate me? will they turn it against me? will they accept it?

hopefully, if i ever tell anyone, they'll accept it. i just want someone to love me really for who i am. someone i can remember, forever.

bye, lucas

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