thirty-one | love you montgomerwhore

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december 12thdallas, america

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december 12th
dallas, america


            "The leukemia is too strong for me to survive." Xavier's voice through the speakers of my phone, giving it this robotic tone, sounded casual, but I couldn't breathe. "I've had a conversation with my doctor and she told me that I don't have much time left."

My friends looked at me confused at first, but when they saw everything in my face turn down, they knew why Xavier was calling me. I could barely see their reactions, because my eyes were filled with salty water, protecting me from seeing the reality. I wished my ears filled themselves with a liquid too, just so that I couldn't hear the things that came out of Xavier's mouth. Suddenly everything felt so precious, so valued as if I had to cherish every single second of our contact.

There was not a single thing that had the audacity to leave my mouth – my mind was too scared for the reaction to myself. A great variety of feelings rushed through my body, some faster than others and some milder, but they were all related to a form of pain I had never felt before. It felt like destiny ripping out my heart to tantalize it, but leaving it alive to make sure there were scars that could never be healed. That was exactly what losing Xavier would feel like; a hole in my body that could never be filled up by anything or anyone, staying there for the rest of my life. 

All of my limbs weakened, so I dropped my phone onto the floor before my knees couldn't keep me standing anymore. My heavily trembling hands covered my mouth, trying to suppress the horrifying sounds that came out of it without me really realizing it. The world around me stopped for a long time, it was just me consisting of pain as if that was all that kept me together.

There was nothing worse than losing a loved one. I was broken.


There was nothing worse than making a loved one break. Her loud crying, collapsing, continuously screaming "no, no, no!" through the phone made my skin shrivel. I stopped packing my stuff for a minute and stared at my phone on the bed. I listened closely to her girlfriends trying to calm her down, but she had became lunatic – determined to not understand my choice. And I wasn't even gone yet.

Part of me told me that she needed time to recover after hearing this news, but I saw this coming and that was exactly why I wanted her to stay away from me. Only if I could punch myself really hard in the balls, because I was so naïve and stupid to keep contacting her and finding ways to be with her. I was the one who gave her mixed signals from being romantic to being stand-offish and so on – that was what ladies craved, a bit of an adventure, especially women like Autumn. It was my own fault that she wouldn't mentally be able to go through my death.

A warm fluid touched the skin underneath my eyes, leaving a trace of coldness after it left the area. That was how the situation with Autumn was, when I was there for a little time I would make her heart warm, but when I left she'd become cold. I was so angry with myself that I wanted to express all that aggression, but I was too weak to physically succeed in that, so instead had I started to cry.

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