Caspar had a secret. A secret that nobody knew but me.
"Joe? Joe? Joeeeeeeee!" Scott interrupted my train of thought with his loud annoying voice.
I was still in a daze as I answered, "What?"
"Do you have any idea where he's headed?" Scott asked, studying my face.
I could only nod. This was yet another thing I had forgotten over time. Or more like force myself to forget.
"Caspar... Where are we going? We were supposed to meet up with the others at the party hours ago." I waited for his reply, which didn't come. I spotted roads around us. I laughed internally at their names. Rocky road? Bubblegum lane? I had never heard of such childish street names.
The silence sent shivers up my spine. Caspar almost never went a minute without chatting my ear off. Not that I was complaining. Caspar's voice soothed me in a way that I can't describe. It always cheered me up. Or maybe it was more of the words he said rather than his voice. Or both.
The truth was, many people had accused Caspar of being the kind of person who says whatever comes to mind right away. But that's far from correct. Caspar was just a quick thinker. He processes the words he plans on saying and the reaction he expects to get. Which is part of the reason I suspect he's done so great on YouTube. He knows how to play an audience. But he always makes sure to never reveal the "darker" side of him. And the more he hides it, the bigger it grows, clawing and screaming to get out.
And in the car that day, Caspar broke right in front of me.
"You ever think about how meaningless our existence is?" Caspar said quietly breaking the silence.
"What?" I asked, wondering if I had heard him right.
"We live on this earth to please others and those people live to please other people. We aren't living for ourselves, but we continue to live because we fear death and thrive in the company of others. Even the spoiled rich buy expensive clothes to look good for other people." His voice went so quiet it was barely audible, "I've begun to hate myself. And myself thrives by entertaining others. So that means I've begun to hate them. So I have no meaning anymore."
"What are you saying?" I asked, my voice slightly stammering. The way Caspar's eyes went blank as if I wasn't here. He was lost in his own world. I was unsure of how to respond. Caspar had never shown this side to me and I didn't know what I could possibly say to make his mind a little better.
All I wanted that night in the car was for Caspar I be happy. I always thought he was a generally joyful person. But on that night I realized how little I truly knew Caspar.
"Joe." Caspar said, his eyes glazing over slightly, as he still avoided eye contact, "Get out."
"Pardon?" What was he saying. My mind couldn't process everything happening.
"GET OUT!" He screamed, and pulled over to the side the road.
I was frightened and confused so I stupidly listened, clicked open the handle and fell out of the door. I looked around my surroundings. I had been so focused on Caspar I hadn't realized where we were. We were on a tan road a mix between dirty sand and light colored gravel.
It sunk in that I had no clue where Caspar was going. And since this was the only road around he must have continued down it.
I ran as fast as I could following the road. My foot slipped underneath me and for a split second I was flying. The next I was on the ground, my arm twisted. I clenched my teeth together to keep from crying. I clutched my arm with my good hand and continued running. Caspar was more important than pain.
I threw myself to the ground to stop my moving body as I realized the road had ended and I had taken a step further I would have fallen off the cliff. I breathed a sigh of relief then realization hit me. Caspar was no where to be seen.
I took a deep breath and looked down. Caspar's car bobbed up and down in the water before sinking down and not surfacing.
Caspar's life rules over mine. And a life without Caspar is not life at all. I held my nose and jumped.
I came to surface, unharmed physically, but dying mentally. I opened my eyes under the salty water that stang and stopped the car. I swam over to it.
I clutched the car with my hands to keep me from surfacing. I needed air, but that could wait. I wasn't going to let Caspar die because I couldn't save him in time. I spotted his body limp, pressed against the top of the car, willing itself to float.
I reached my good arm into the car through the window, unlocked the door, swung it open and wrapped my arm around Caspar. Bringing him o surface was surprisingly much harder than any movie made it seem. But I managed to make it, feeling only half alive. I dragged him to shore, and breathed air into his limp body. I didn't know CPR but I was going to try. There was no cell phone reception and his life remained in my hands.
Miraculously within a few minutes Caspar's eyes opened, still the blank look remained.
After that day, Caspar put his happy act back on and he never expressed his dark side again. But I saw it. Deep inside his eyes I saw it. He came back to himself and the darkness left, which is why I forgot about the incident. I was a fool.
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He Loves Me... Not? || Jaspar Fanfic (Caspar lee x Joe Sugg)Fanfiction
"Friends can cuddle, right?" I asked, inching closer to Joe. "Yeah." Joe said, opening one eye adorably to look at me. "They can kiss too?" I whispered, his scent alone sending chills up my spine.