Ugly Fruits and Vegetables

75 5 9

Author: Carpe-Di3m

Genre: Romance/Fantasy

I think the cover is appealing, but I suggest that you add some sci-fi/fantasy aspects to it, as it takes place in a very dystopian world. It is an attractive cover, but it doesn't quite fit the setting of the story.

I think the title works very nicely with the story, especially since it holds such a strong meaning that is mentioned early on.

Grammatical errors:
Chapter 1: "...feeble attempt to hide it, and they called it, the Forest of Eve." Here, the second comma is not necessary. It boxes in a phrase, which adds an awkward pause to the end of the sentence.

Chapter 1: "...sprinkled with chocolate patches, shoots through the gap, bringing along..." You also isolated a phrase between commas in this sentence, which makes the sentence seem a bit choppy. However, you should add a comma before the word "sprinkled" in order to properly separate the description.

Chapter 2: "It still strikes me as strange that this woman had such an effect on me." Here, the word "had" is in past tense, and the rest of your story is written in present tense. Be sure to keep the tense consistent throughout your story.

The flow and pace of the story is a bit choppy in some areas. For example, in the first chapter, Aisha's journey to the library and forest wasn't well linked to the story's setting a few paragraphs before. You explained how Aisha told her mother that she was going to the library, then you described Aisha's experiences with her mothers and how she was "unwanted." While explaining this part, you didn't mention that Aisha had already begun traveling toward the forest. Your audience assumed that her thoughts were flowing through her mind as she spoke to her mother, but then the story starts off again when you mention that Aisha is already walking towards the forest. Although Aisha's thoughts are clear and well-described, be sure to constantly note where the characters are in the story and mention how the setting changes rather than jumping from one place to the next.
I also suggest that, even though your story is written from the viewpoints of two characters, you follow a strict timeline in order to avoid repeating events. For example, in the first two chapters, you describe the characters' encounter with the marigold flower almost exactly the same. After Aisha's chapter, the audience has already experienced the beginning of their meeting. Instead of repeating the same event through Nadir's eyes, you should continue the story from where you left off on the first chapter.

In addition to how you describe your characters' thoughts, I wanted to bring up how much I like how you begin the story with the Aisha's thoughts on life. This really gives your audience an understanding of the character and the setting, and your readers can see why Aisha behaves the way that she does. It's also particularly interesting how you incorporate some modern concerns and problems into a fantasy world. The combination of fantasy and common occurrences flawlessly draws your readers into the story and it gives them something to relate to immediately.

The first chapter clearly depicts the setting and the characters in a way that your audience can immediately understand how you plan to write your story. Although it is a short story now, I think that the concept and plot of your story is very interesting and original, and you should absolutely consider turning it into a full book. I think it is quite captivating, and it would be even more so if you expanded it and added some interesting subplots throughout.

An area that you really need to touch on is how society can function when men and women are completely separated from one another. How do women have children if they are completely separated from men? What happens if a baby boy is born? Is he immediately taken to live on the other side of the wall with the men? I think this is a very interesting concept overall, but more details need to be added in order for your audience to really be able to follow the story along.

I can't say much about character development (since it is only a short story of 2 chapters currently), but you do an excellent job of showing the audience who the characters are. You may want to add some more details (what do the characters look like? What do their voices sound like? etc.), but from what is written so far, the characters fit very nicely into the story and the setting. I also like how you strung in some bits of humor, such as in Nadir's chapter where you wrote "You know there are a million other ways to compliment me... calling me an ugly vegetable is definitely not one."

Overall, I thought the idea of the story was very unique and romantic, in a very sci-fi way. I think you should definitely consider turning the short story into a full book and expand on the plot. I think the story has lots of potential!

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