Christmas Carols

f o u r

  "Why did you push her away?" Ezra asks, barging into my room.

  "How do you even know about that? And why do you care? It happened a week ago."

  "I was waiting for the right time to bring it up and I care about you, you're my sister."

  "She brought up Christmas and I remembered that she's one of those carolers."

  "Scarlet, I'm over her death, it's been years. I think you really need to deal with this grief you've had for a long time."

  "I don't care what you think I need to do. I'm fine. She's gone. That's fine."

  "You don't make it seem that way. I still see you cry every time someone mentions a Christmas stocking!"

  "Shut up."

  "And then you get angry whenever someone brings it up," he says, pointing out what I just said.

  "It's easier to blame the holiday than blame myself."

  "Why would you blame yourself? Mom died because of an accident that was out of your control."

  "I didn't help take care of her enough and I wasn't a good daughter. I thought I had time to get better but then she just... she died on Christmas."

Thinking about that day just terrifies me, and I vowed from that moment to forget about all things Christmas related.

  "You can't blame yourself. I blamed myself too and honestly, I realized it wasn't worth my time and mom wouldn't think that it's worth our time either. Do you really think she would want you see you giving up on a girl just because she's a Christmas caroler?"

  "You don't know what she would think."

  "And you don't know either. Don't push Stella away, you seem really into her and she does too."

  I pipe up a bit at that statement and I ask, "Is she really?"

  "From what I've seen, I mean, yeah. I can also tell you have feeling for her."

   "I just met her though and she's a Christmas caroler."

  "If you have anything to worry about with your feelings, I guess it could be because you just met her but forget the Christmas hate! Mom would want us to celebrate Christmas for her, not hate it with a passion."

  "You really think so?"

  "Yes, I know so."

"I'll talk to her again," I decide.

"Amazing! Send her a text right now."

"I can't. It's late."

He rolls his eyes at me and orders, "Text. Her. Right. Now."

"Fine, fine! Get out of my room though."

He smiles and says, "tell me how it goes!"

I get up and I shut the door, just in case Ezra feels like he wants to barge in again.

I send Stella a quick text, saying, 'hey, can we talk? Please.'

  She responds a few minutes later, 'why? You clearly didn't want to have anything to do with me last week.'

  'I'm sorry. I really am. Can we talk now and i can explain?'

  'Fine. Where at?'

  'The place you took me at last week. I'll meet you there in fifteen minutes.'

  'Ok.'

  And that's that.

  I scramble out of bed and stand up, putting on a new change of clothes. I run out of my room and down the stairs, yelling at Ezra that I'll be back later.

  "That's my sister! Getting her girl back!"

  "Shut up!" I yell back at him and I open the door, leaving the house with an anxious feeling.

  How can I even explain why I said what I said?

  I try to think of possible answers but before I even realize it, I'm already at the bridge and Stella is waiting for me.

  "Hey," I say.

  "Hello. So, what is it that you wanted?"

  "I wanted to apologize and explain why I said that shit to you."

  "I accept the apology but you don't have to explain, I can tell that you're not ready to talk about it."

  "Thank you," I say, relieved at her response.

  "Is that it?"

  "No. I also wanted to say that I want to get to know you better."

"Part of me includes Christmas talk... are you okay with that?"

"Like I said, I want to get to know you better and it doesn't matter to me if that includes Christmas."

"Let's start then."

"Let's start," I agree.

She sits on a bench overlooking the river, and talks to me about her life and tells me more about herself.