11. The Fallen Star

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"One day you will be at the place you always wanted to be

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"One day you will be at the place you always wanted to be."

MAYA

Today was the day I realized how people felt when they saw their loved ones in a casket during their funeral. It was like someone thrusted a dagger in my chest and I couldn't pull it out until the funeral was over. Every moment was so painful, yet so beautifully heartbreaking.

Mom's funeral took place in the town's church and almost the whole town came. After all, mom grew up here. She knew everyone and everyone knew her. If only she spent more time here when she got older. If only.

A good friend of mom from when they went to high school together, held a beautiful speech. I sat in the front row with Dad, Mia, and Bree next to me. Dad's eyes were glassy while Mia's hand rested on his knee. Meanwhile, I listened carefully, but my mind was a complete mess of agonizing thoughts.

I wanted to be angry. I wanted to be so angry at mom for leaving me all alone in that house with John, for marrying him and for becoming such a terrible mother when her fashion company became more important than her husband and her daughter. More important than family.

I wanted to be so angry, but every time my gaze stopped on the black casket she was lying inside, something within me shoved the anger away and another haunting feeling took its place. It caused my stomach to clench and form a knot and my fingertips started to tremble. Guilt.

If I never sent her that text, if I never jumped, if I was never selfish, if I wasn't so scared and broken -The applause after mom's friend's speech stopped my thoughts from crossing the line.

Eventually, when the funeral was over and people started leaving, Mia and Dad were busy thanking and accepting the lasts batch of "sorry for your loss" by the town residents while I stood up from my seat and made my way to the small stage where mom's casket was placed in the center. Slowly, I let my palm remain on the large box mom's body was resting in. This was the closest I could be to her right now.

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