With Tears In My Eyes, I Begged You To Stay

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Awsten was making his way through the crowd, trying his best to ignore the tears that were forming in his eyes. He tried to blink back the water without any luck. All he could think about was the line of white going up her nose and the girl she was sleeping with. He felt hurt but he wasn't exactly sure he was allowed to. She was never his girlfriend to begin with. Michaela was an almost. Almost love. Almost girlfriend. Almost soulmate. Somehow, that made it hurt even more.

Awsten slid the backdoor open and entered a less populated section of the party. It was cold but that didn't stop party-goers from splashing around in the pool or getting hot and heavy in the hot tub. He turned to the side of the house and walked down the dark gap between the house and a dark wooden fence. He eventually settled in a patch of grass when the tears took over the entirety of his vision.

He didn't understand what was happening at first. It was too much for him to process without any of the required backstory. To a person like Awsten without any of the context, it didn't make any sense. She seemed fine. Perfect, even. Perhaps that was the problem with idealizing other people. She had then become a reflection of all of his wants and desires instead of being who she truly was- a person with problems.

He didn't know her like he thought he did. No one did with the exception of a twitter user she confided all of her problems into. Viking acted as her therapist at times when she refused to see her own. There was something about Viking that felt safe to Michaela. At first, she couldn't pin point it but after a while it became clear. They shared two things in common; substance abuse and sexuality.

Awsten let out a heart wrenching sob. If another human had heard it, he was pretty positive somebody would've wrapped their arms around him. He pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face. A mixture of tears and snot would inevitably coat his jeans but he didn't care anymore. Nothing mattered. He didn't matter.

So she did drugs, big deal. It wasn't unpopular to get high and hell, all of Awsten's friends had gotten high before. He was the only person he had met since high school that he never gotten high. He hadn't even been drunk before. He didn't allow himself to have of sip of alcohol either. He had something that most people called an addictive personality. If he would succumb to something once, it would be likely that he would become a creature of habit. That was something Awsten never spoke about. It made him feel broken. Defective, almost.

The thought of the line she had snorted was enough to make him let out another choked sob, tears streaming down his face. He was pretty positive that his tears had soaked through the dark material of his jeans and made it's way to his knees. He didn't care. He was more concerned about how one of his soulmates could have a drug addiction. He would have been unable to help her. She would only enable his addictive tendencies. It wasn't fair. Awsten wasn't the best at picking at the signs around him but he also wasn't her. He had no idea what she could have been going through.

Michaela didn't think she had a problem, that's what she told Viking. Viking, a guy who had been in and out of rehab, disagreed. She claimed that it made her feel better and more social and to an extent, it did. It also came with a price tag that was more than just shiny. It came at a cost of coming to terms with who she was, a feat she wasn't ready for.

At first, she only fooled around with other girls on the substance. She claimed that it made her horny and she didn't care who was going down on her because a mouth was a mouth. The first time it happened, it made all of her middle school fantasies look pathetic. After a while, she didn't need the drug to sleep with women. It felt liberating in a way. She didn't feel the need for a man, the type of person that always seemed to abuse her. It didn't help that to find a part of herself, she had to abuse substances.

Michaela didn't think she was gay and Viking wasn't in a position to tell her that she was, even if she wasn't sleeping with men anymore. She had no interest in them at all actually. Michaela saw men as an opportunity to support her new expensive lifestyle. She was pretty and they loved to flirt with her. What was so wrong with flirting back for some money?

Her psychiatrist told her that her behaviour was classified as manipulative but she didn't believe in that word. It was just another word thrown around with her diagnosis that had lost it's meaning a long time ago. Manipulative, abusive, toxic. All of them were words used to describe her illness, and by association, her. She couldn't let her think of herself that way. If she did, she knew she wouldn't be able to live to see another day.

She told Viking about her illness and he stayed there with her. It was the first time she had been open with another person about the demon that was herself. When most people spoke of their mental illness, it was easy to separate the two of them. They could remember who they were without their depression or anxiety. Michaela didn't have that luxury. Her illness was rooted deeply into the person she was. She had to live with the illness for the rest of her life. Her personality disorder was a permanent roommate she didn't ask for.

Tears streamed down Awsten's face as the scene played before him on repeat. His brain was so focused on the cocaine, he had almost forgotten about the girl she was having sex with. Almost. He recognized her as one of her sorority sisters. He tried to tell himself that all of this wasn't a regular thing and that this wasn't who she was. Unfortunately, he didn't know that. Neither did she.

Michaela Okland had no idea who she was as a person, taking traits of the people around her to feel accepted by her peers. She craved the love and attention from other people and fed on it like an emotional vampire. Her intentions were never of malicious although always resulted in someone else getting hurt. She wasn't in treatment despite the pleas from Viking. Instead, she numbed the hollow feeling inside herself with substances and the attention of her peers. They didn't make her feel any less empty but they made her forget what it was ever like to feel full.

Awsten was oblivious to all of this sadly. He only knew one side of the story -his- just like everyone else. From where he was sitting, nothing was adding up. It made no sense to him why she was acting affectionate and then distant or why she was using drugs. He was honestly surprised he hadn't run out of tears to cry. He blamed it on his fixation with staying hydrated. He pulled out his phone and through tear stained eyes typed the two words to the person that mattered the most. BAD DAY.

He only had himself to blame. He had put her up on a pedestal, even if he didn't realize it. Awsten didn't know her the way he thought he had. He had only constructed an image of what he wanted her to be and got angry when it wasn't the truth. He wasn't sure who he was more angry at; her or himself. Awsten wasn't self-aware enough to allow himself to come to terms with this on his own. Instead, the universe brought him his own little aid for the challenge along his quest.

A body sunk down next to him but he didn't care who it was anymore. The idle chatter of fraternity boys and sorority girls acted as backing vocals to whatever pop song was blasting through the house and muffling it's way into the backyard. His eyes were shut, tears still fresh on his lashes. He wanted to go home. He wanted Geoff.

"Are you okay?"

The voice was familiar. It was one he was used to hearing comfort him in the past. Even if it was a tone he hadn't heard in a while. It belonged to someone he had envisioned spending the rest of his life with. Through watery eyes, he looked to his side and stared into a pair of knowing green eyes. It was time for the truth to surface.

"I haven't been okay since you left me."

Game Over. Continue? // gawstenRead this story for FREE!