Random Rant (one of probably many to come)

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So today I've had a day so full of deep thinking I set my head spinning. I literally have a headache, and I'm sure spilling more words will not help, but I've got surprisingly a lot on my mind. Like how supposedly guys can go without thinking anything. Please tell me if this is true if you are a guy. It isn't fair that I'm at the mercy of fourteen or more hours of nonstop thoughts, and even sometimes more when I dream. I'm a slave to my mind, taking every little thing and expanding it and wondering how it could be different. Sometimes I wonder why my eighth grade language arts teacher didn't call me an existential learner. Those who always want more information and things to think on, thinking outside the box and taking in the big picture. Maybe I didn't classify there because sometimes I'd rather think of nothing. Instead I got intrapersonal.

At first it sounds like an insult. You dislike people and just want to be alone. Makes me sound emo. But I'm not. I'm not so emotionally messed up that I have to inflict pain on myself to know I'm human. I'd rather refrain from being in pain. Or to put intrapersonal in a nice light you could just call me shy. But it isn't really shy. I'm not insecure. I'm perfectly confident in myself, and can even sometimes be self centered. I'm also really talkitive around people I trust. So call me shy, or quiet, but I'm not. I just don't like people... or most people.

There are many reasons not to like people. And sure, I'm human too, but really. People are stupid. We fight wars for land when we already have enough to survive on. We lie to not embarrass ourselves when it would be better to accept the shame than live in constant guilt for all eternity. We are greedy and prideful and never have enough. We worry about the future instead of creating a present. We live in the past and waste ourlives away. We hurt others hearts and feel ashamed to apologize. We are full of faults and yet half the time do not see them quick enough to fix the issues. 

So now I'll rant about hurting others hearts. I've never been truely heart broken, but I've watched people crushed in a kind of pain you can't use a bandaid to make better and I've felt an edge of it. The good old fashioned unrequited love my friend. It's the same story every time for me. I find someone smart who seems so sweet, and I either realize I've lied to myself and their a jerk or their silence slowly eats away at me and I'm forced to give up. Give up continuously reminding them to reply. Give up being so kind to them everytime a smile leaves their face.


(Okay, so more than half my rant didn't publish and disappeared, but I'm not in the same mood so I can't repeat it. Sorry.)

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