My Harlequin Romance (MCR Fan Fiction)

Chapter Eleven

Gerard kept his tight grip as he walked me to my first hour geometry class, his fingers clutching mine. I would gladly meet gaze of any person who would look my way. This was great. For once in months, I felt like I belonged, and I was incredibly safe. We stopped outside the newly black painted doorway to the geometry classroom. Gerard finally released my hand and turned towards me. He pulled lightly on a lock of my hair.

"I'll be fine," I muttered, touching his hand lightly. Many eyes were on us. I closed my own because I have learned in all my time here, it's harder for people to figure stuff out about you if your eyes are closed.

And then something surprises me.

It's wet, slightly scratchy, but kinda warm, comparable to bubblegum, and it's pressed softly to my forehead. In a quick reaction, I open my eyes and see Gerard pulling away. Suddenly, my whole body stiffens. That was not part of the plan. There was no kissing to be involved yet, even if it was my head. The first thing Gerard saw when he opened his eyes was my glare that was focused in on his pale face.

But then, my ears caught something. Something that meant more to me than the humiliation of the kiss.

"So, I guess she's not a lesbian after all."

I turned my head around and caught glimpse of the girls from the lunch line several days ago. The very same girls who had called me a 'dyke'. Their backs disappeared into the Spanish classroom as it dawned on me what had just happened. My embarrassment faded, and I turned back towards Gerard and hugged him without warning, my mouth inches from his ear.

"You're doing great!" I whisper, barely able to hold in all of my excitement, "Please, please, keep it up." I backed away, and Gerard kept his convincing closed-lips smoldering smile as he patted my shoulder.

"Goodbye," he said as he turned away and merged into the hallway, joining a group of people on route towards the science department. I watched his shadowy back fade into the monotonous hallway until nothing remained but one dot amass a sea of students. Something about that struck me. He was but a dot in the sea. A dot. As insignificant as the world's smallest ant in the world's smallest tunnel of the world's smallest ant hill. One day, he will grow up and become an even smaller ant in a smaller dead-end tunnel with nowhere to go, and he will die. His existence may never matter to very many people, because he is insignificant just like every human who has ever been born, lived, and then died.

But not to me.

Gerard is my best friend. Where would I be without him? Would I still be unhappy and alone? Would I still be a bitter, cynical, joy killing fifteen year old?  I turn towards the open door waiting for me. This is different now. I will never be alone again, I can feel it. In a weird sort of way, the open door feels warm and welcoming even if it is just geometry. I glance once over my shoulder towards the rushing, fast-paced and cold hallway. Taking a deep breath, I turn back towards the open door and walk in. Things are going to get better.

-

"Are you going to eat that?"

My scars and burns from that horrible fire were itching horribly under the table. This was what I had been waiting for. Lunch! Now would be the one of the best times to showcase our 'romance'. Right now, we were completely blowing it. Maybe it was just me, or maybe it was both of us, but somebody had stage fright, and the lunchroom is the biggest stage of all.

"Lola, are you eating or what?"

I finally looked up at Gerard. One of his hands was pointed dramatically at my salad and sugar cookie. I didn't feel much like eating. I did, however, feel like showing Gerard off. The one time I actually want to be noticed, and I'm scared. You know what? I should have seen this coming. "Take it," I mutter kind of sourly. I pushed my salad bowl away from me, and Gerard took it into his outstretched hand. "I don't want it anyway."

Gerard plunged the cookie into his face. Clearly, that's all he really wanted. "What's wrong?" He sputtered, wiping away the crumbs onto his dingy hoodie sleeve.

"I'm just a little nervous," I whispered as he scooted his chair closer, "I'm doing a bad job at this relationship thing."

"No, you're not," Gerard replied, equally quiet, "You'll catch on, Lola. I know you will." And then he smiled. Not his normal dorky smile. It was a genuine, honest to God smile. With that, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. My shoulders suddenly stiffened, but after a few seconds, finally unwound themselves.

"I'm sorry, Gerard," I muttered, running my index finger along the table, "I wish you could have known how bad I would be at this. It's just so hard... So hard.. for me to let anyone close to me, and this close." I pause for a second. My outer shell is weakening. Cracks are appearing on my face and body and they're growing larger with every word that comes to my lips, "This close, even if it is... you know... This close is impossible. I'm giving you all I have."

"Lola," Gerard whispered, taking my whole attention away from the room and the people and the noise. A bomb could have exploded, and I would have never known. "I know, and I'm okay with that. I know it's hard, Lola. It's hard for everyone. Even normal people. Putting yourself out like this is hard, and in later years, it'll be hard again. It's always one of the hardest things humans do." He touched my face, and I'm not sure if this was part of the act anymore. "I won't let anyone hurt you again, Lola, and if I ever meet your fucking father, I will punch him in the face. Why would anyone ever leave you behind?" Gerard stopped talking and took away his hand. This was too far, and we were no longer actors. He meant what he said about my father. We were losing ourselves in here and talking about things that these people could never know about me.

"Thank you for your concern," I muttered, because I was done talking about my father. Gerard recognized that, and he quieted too. For a few minutes, we both sat there stiffly, my mood falling as I realized how rocky I had been. 

"Are you guys dating?"

A shallow, high-pitched voice tore us both from the awkwardness. Gerard and I both turned, seeing a group of three or four well-dressed preppy girls standing a few feet away, their noses held high as they glanced over us, judging obviously. Their clothes almost looking like they stepped walked right from an American Eagle and Aeropostale' and Macy's catalogue. Their hair all slick and straight and perfect. Like them.

Or how they wished to be. I can see right through there shells, for even the most beautiful sculptures made by the best artists have cracks. Cracks in which moisture seeps in. Moisture which condenses and expands, causing the cracks to grow larger and more exposed. Eventually, if left untreated, such cracks grow so big, the whole sculpture falls apart.

These girls, there cracks are massive a gaping, waiting for condensation. You just need to know how to strike where it hurts.

"Yes," I replied sharply, a flash of malice hazing over my grey eyes, "So you can stop calling me a 'dyke' now, okay? And yes, I know you do that. I'm not stupid. So, for God's sake, shut up. Just shut your noise tube up. You worry so much about other people to cover up your own pathetic insecurities and pretend to be friends, when really you all hate each other and would rather tear your own faces off then stay in each other's company for more than you have to. You're pathetic. Now, go. Go and never speak to me again."

The preppy girls were visibly shocked from my harsh and very sharp voice. They looked like deers trapped in the ever staring headlights of a eighteen wheeler barreling down the expressway ten seconds from spilling their guts across the road like confettie. They all stood there, eyes wide.

"GO," I commanded, taking one more long look at their faces and waving one hand as I turned back around towards the table, breathing heavily and leaning back against Gerard. With a few mutters and a resounding click of heels, the preppy girls faded back into the cafeteria. I glanced once over my shoulder before looking at Gerard. "They're gone," I said, barely able to contain my excitement, "They're really gone."

Gerard ripped me into a hug, and I didn't even care how ridiculous we both looked, laughing and hugging in the middle of the cafeteria. "And they won't be coming back," Gerard said, shaking me as we laughed.

I knew he was right.