He Has A Mate by @sachachiuta

22 0 1

So first thing first:

Where's the punctuation?

There's a complete lack of punctuation throughout the entire thing, and punctuation is one of the most important things in a story. There are a million run-on sentences and a thousand paragraphs that run together and tend to not make sense because of it. Also, your quotation marks are a little messed up in some places- there are random spaces before or after the spoken words that don't make any sense whatsoever.

Also the whole half-in-italics-half-not thing is really confusing. Is there a specific reason why there are lines in italics? It really starts to just become annoying after a while.

As far as descriptive words, you really had some nice moments throughout the story, but as I said it was really hard to read because of the lack of punctuation. It was completely confusing and took away from the good descriptions. Also, as far as the picnic, when you said "(picture on side)" please, please, please remove that! Or move it to the author's note! That was just really distracting and fairly annoying! If you'd like the reader to be able to picture something in their head, please give us a description and not an actual picture!

Anyways, I'm sorry about my ranting and I'm sorry if I've been harsh, but some of these things really did distract and even kind of anger me as a reader. I'd highly suggest that you either just go back, re-read, and then re-read the story aloud (this often helps to find where punctuation is needed and where there are other grammatical errors) or to just get an editor. I'm also going to refer you to the grammar chapter of Stuck On Your Story by @Lilohorse- it has a lot of helpful and useful tips.

Other than what I've said above, I really do think that this story has potential to be turned into something great, if you just worked on it a bit.



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