Dear Robyn,

-I can't believe Preston hit you today. He actually hit you. Just because you were willing to pay for yourself. That doesn't even make sense to me. He doesn't make that much money at the climbing gym. Even I get paid more to take care of little kids. So why did he blow up like that? I don't know. And if you ask me, that's what I'll tell you. I won't try to make up any theories or anything.

-Dinner was pretty awkward for all of us. I don't know. I found it awkward, at least. Did you, or am I just making something up in my head?

-I'm pretty sure you and Preston only beat me and Paige to the dance because Preston probably speeded.

-Am I really not that scary? (I guess not. But because of Paige's obsession with gum and popping it, guess we'll never find out.)

-Why do you care so much when I cuss? Preston does it way more than I do. Are you just being lenient with him because he has to deal with so much other stuff? I don't know if that's an excuse. And come on. I live with Andrew and Preston. It would be a miracle if I didn't cuss a little bit. (Okay, so maybe I cuss more than just a little bit. But still.)

-Did you see the awkward tall guy in the heels too? I think he lost a bet. (That's what I'm telling myself, at least.)

-I have this bad feeling you told Preston about the time I tried your heels on.

-Sorry if Paige woke you up during her scavenger hunt. I hid stuff while you two were getting ready. I only left something on your porch so it shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was, sorry about that. But yeah. I asked Paige out through a scavenger hunt. I already talked to her today. She said you told her Preston gave you a flower or something to ask you out? It's a bit weird that you didn't tell me, but I guess you can't just tell me everything since I'm not a girl.

-I think I just realized I have a girlfriend now.

-That means I should stop writing you these letters.

-But I can't seem to make myself stop.

-I don't know why I'm still putting dashes in front of my sentences.

-I'm leaving now before I do it some more.


Dear Robyn,

You texted me just now. "Congrats on you and Paige! You're so cute together!" But all I can think about is your smile and your genuine happiness for me. I can't be genuinely happy about you and Preston. I couldn't say that back to you. So that's why I didn't text you back.

And now I feel terrible about it.

But I'm allowed to have my own opinion and I can't let people tell me what to say or do. Right? Aren't you the one who always tells me that?

This is so much harder than it should be.

And I still can't help thinking of you even when I'm thinking about Paige or when I'm with her. Even when I'm kissing her and we're making out and all that.

I'm a terrible person. But at least I know it.


Dear Robyn,

I wish I could text you back. I want to text you back. But more than anything, I wish we could just have a moment and talk to each other without worrying about boyfriends and girlfriends and falling in love or out of it or hiding secrets and not telling each other things. What we had before this year is something I never had before from anyone. It was indescribable. You accepted me for who I was. I never felt that way before.

If something were to happen to you, I know I will blame myself. It may or may not be my fault, but if something happens to you, I will hold myself responsible. I can at least promise you that much.

I wonder if you're going to talk to me less now that I'm dating Paige.

I'm dating Paige.

I still have to write it down to make sure it's actually true.

It was a little weird that she didn't reject me when I asked her to the dance or when I asked her out. Maybe both of us worrying about you and Preston kind of brought us together. Bonded us, I guess. Weird how that happened. I don't want her the way I used to though. Sure, she has nice lips, and it's nice to feel her against me. And yeah, she gives me some hard ons too. (I promise that's all I'm going to say about them from now on. I think I already said that once, and I haven't mentioned them for a while. But still.) I want her in a different way now. I think I'm actually ready for this. At least, I hope so. I don't want to mess Paige up any more than I want Preston to do that to you.

I guess I'll find out some answers to some of my questions on Monday.

See you in class, at least.


Dear Robyn,

Did you purposely avoid sitting with me and Paige at lunch just because the two of us were alone at a table? You know you could've joined us and we would've been okay with that, right? Aren't you and Paige friends?

It probably isn't a good idea for me to keep writing these.

I'm going to try to stop doing this for a while.


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