1. The Helper
When you feel like I feel, no one understands.
Emily is at my house, in my room. She's talking but I'm not listening, I've retreated into myself. It's a thing I do when I'm really depressed. Over the last few days since I told Emily about how I cut I've been telling her everything, even how I don't eat, that's only been going about 4 days but still. "... are you planning to stop?.... James?" she's notices that I'm out of it and nudges me "what?" I snap at her. "Your zoning out, are you okay? You can tell me I understand" she tells me concerned. "What?! You understand? No one understands how I feel, you want to know whats wrong? You, you are whats wrong" I explode. She just sits there staring at me looking like shes on the verge of tears. "You know what? You can't help so go, just fucking go". And she stands up and leaves.
When your alone, truly alone, you finally think and realise.
I've been alone for 2 days now, only came out of my room to not eat and use the toilet, I've had a lot of time to think. I want to say sorry to Emily but I can't face her. I don't think this life is a life at all. My Mum takes sleeping pills, I know that if I take enough, I'll never wake up. I pick up my iPod and text Emily, "Emily, I've had a long time to think and I'm sorry about what I said, I have realised my life isnt a real life after all, so this is the end, tell my parents and sister I love them. I love you Emily". I see that see reads it almost right away and she replies telling me not to, but I don't have my iPod, I'm in my parents room, looking for my Mum's pills. I find them and return to my room, I have over 20 messages from Emily. I open the bottle and spill all the pills onto my bed, I quickly get a glass of water. Theres about 100 pills, I take 60 of them by the time I run out of water. I'm feeling really tired, I know its the pills, and that when I fall asleep, I wont ever wake up.
3. The End
I'm about to fall asleep, I'm so close.......... I'm.... going........... Nothing.