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Pen Your Pride

Day 1

I don't know how to do this. I'd never done anything like this before, but the lads insited this would help me. Although I think at this point, nothing can truly help me. I don't know where to start. I've never experienced pain like this before babe. I miss you so much. I've never been without you like this and it hurts. I still wake up in the middle of the night. I look over at your side of the bed, expecting you to be there, but you never are. And I know you never will be. But I still can't help but wonder if this is a bad dream. It has to be. That's the only explanation that I can think of. I refuse to believe you are gone. When I do wake up in the middle of the night, I pray this is just a nightmare. And that you can be there to hold me, and tell me everything will be alright. And then we can fall asleep together in each other's arms. Do you remember the first day we bought our flat?

*** "Harry I really like this one!"

"It's a bit small don't you think?"

"It's just going to be us! We don't need a huge flat!"

"Yes, I know but, I want to give you the best and I don't think a small flat will really do it"

"Babe, you know I love you right? You don't need to buy us big flats for me to have the best. I already have the best, and it's you" ***

I still replay those words in my head. I think they'll always replay in my head. I will never forget the day when you told me that for the first time. I wanted to give you the best, and if I could have, I would have given you the world. The boys think I'm going crazy. I barely eat or even talk anymore for that matter. I don't care anymore. This is all a bad dream right? I'm going to wake up one morning to your beautiful and smiling face. We're going to go about our day like we normally do and it'll be as if nothing has ever happened. But, what if this isn't a dream? That scares me babe. What if this isn't a nightmare and you really are gone forever? Babe, I can't handle this. I can't live without you. I need you here with me. Remember, you're the glue that kept us all together! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I need you. Please, just walk through our bedroom door. Please. Maybe I am going crazy. But I still refuse to believe it. I remember parts of that day perfectly and some of it was blurry. I was waiting for you to come get me at the airport. It had been 6 months since we last saw each other. I thought you were just running late. Trying to look beautiful for me. Babe you didn't even have to try. When I seen the ambulences and cop cars rushing past I didn't think anything of it.

But then Liam called me telling me that you were in an accident. I ran to the hospital but they said it was too late. You were already gone. After that, it starts becoming blurry. I wanted to kill the guy who hit you. Who took you away from me. Who took you away from this world. You didn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to be living. It should have been him! Not you! I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I keep waiting for you to just walk through that door. I couldn't cry. I remember the news and magazines all said I was awful and heartless because I didn't cry. I just couldn't. I couldn't bare the thought of this really happening. This isn't really happening.

I started getting angry. I know you wouldn't have liked to see that and I know you would be dissapointed in me. I couldn't help it. I just screamed at everyone. Fans, my family, the boys. They're so worried about me. I'm a fucking mess. I can't take it. 

Do you remember the last day we shared together in person? Before I left you for 6 months. I can't believe it's been so long since I saw you. It feels like just yesterday. I see you in my dreams you know. You look as beautiful as ever. Sometimes I can even smell your hair and perfume around me. I know your always around me. Even when I'm writing this. You're probably reading this and getting upset at some of the things I'm writing. I'm so sorry I upset you. 

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