the thirteenth doctor & you

you're not alone.

it was difficult for you to even consider saying yes. a trip of a lifetime ? it was such a vague question that you almost CRIED upon just thinking about it. ryan had called you the other night, the two of you had met weirdly enough had the wedding of his nan, you had worked the bar and suddenly hit it off rather well - considering he hadn't really enjoyed it that much. ryan knew about your disorder (how it hadn't been bad back when you had met. but sudden events had changed that on its head) had made most situations rather hard on you. it was during moments when you had no control over what happened. over what the outcome was going to be and who was in your ... s p a c e. even for a little bit of control, it's like a switch is flipped inside your head and you would BREAK down. your panic attacks had never been ... fun, they were awful and you HATED them. but you had been doing better recently - had been using the techniques that your therapist had suggested. so you thought ... why the hell not ?

that was a mistake.

the doctor had made a promise when you came on board that she would keep you safe and well you had believed her. of course, you believe the alien from outer space who had the big blue box that seemed more impressive than the uss enterprise and was able to travel through space and time. she felt like the most trustworthy person in your life suddenly. you had made yourself promise, however, that if anything happened, it would all turn out fine, you would make it out alive and you would NOT panic.

that didn't happen.

space pirates - who the hell would have thought that space pirates were bloody real. NOT you of course. it had started out alright, the sudden APPEARANCE of them caused your heart to beat harder, but you were excited all of a sudden when you stepped foot on the ship, a big ship that kind of reminded you of the nostromo - all loose wires and rather BRIGHT luminescent lights. you had found it to be the most fun you've had in YEARS - but then suddenly you remembered it wasn't f a k e. you weren't watching a SHOW or a movie, this was real life and those PIRATES were a big threat. the tightness in your chest had started to grow since then, everything went to shit all in a matter of an HOUR. you had been running and the tightness in your chest had expanded and overwhelming you, and it was like it suddenly had reached your legs. you had all but come to a complete stop, almost knocking yourself off balance. you couldn't do a thing as you continued to watch the others move ahead - your breathing became shallow and you all but fell backward against the PADDED wall.

a s o b escaped your lips then. what happens if they catch YOU ? YOU have to keep going.

but i can't ...

if you don't. THEY will catch you. KILL YOU.

i - i can't move ...

pathetic ... your grandmother was right. you're nothing but a -

" y/n ? " the voice broke through the wall of your thoughts. it was almost like honey, the thick accent pulling you out of your own head rather quickly. e/c eyes opened slowly and even though the deep red that had encased the hallways of the ship was still causing you to not see well enough, you could make out the doctor's concerned face. " what's wrong ? why'd you stop running ? " she squatted in front of you. hands pressed tightly over your ears, the tear stains on your cheeks felt HEAVY as you did your best to answer her.

" i ... i don't... " panic started to overcome you once more and you started to shake. the doctor's blue eyes immediately changed. like she had just figured out what you were dealing with. shifting her weight, so that she now sat on her knees, the doctor leaned forward and let slender fingers wrap around your wrists - pulling your hands away from your ears. slowly as not to scare you. your breathing was still erratic - but the more contact you had with the doctor ... the more you realised that YOU were going to be okay.

" come on. up you pop. " you slowly stood with her. her hands moved from your arms and rested on either side of your face. " i want you to breathe in ... nice and slowly. " you copied her actions. in. and out. in and out. two more times - during this time you had noticed that the red alert had been silenced and there were three other worried faces JUST down the hall - surely the space pirates weren't WAITING for them to keep on moving to attack ... they would be on them any second now .. why the hell were they standing around for you. " y/n ... y/n, look at me.. " the doctor snapped you out of it. again.

" sorry .. sorry, " you mumbled looking down, squinting at the floor, trying your best to get your head to SLOW down. the doctor forced your head back up and the frown on her face pulled into a soft smile.

" don't be sorry. panic attacks are a nasty thing - happens to even the BEST of us. " the time lord let her head tilt to the side, one hand pushing your hair out of your face, while the doctor let her thumb on the other stroke your cheek, more contact from the doctor seemed to have calmed you even more. the blonde moved them then, leaving one out in between the two of you. she was offering you her hand. " just know ... that i'll always be here for you when you need me. " your e/c eyes snapped from staring down at her outstretched hand back up to her face, were the smile on her face grew even WIDER. " though, i don't want to rush you but we really should get going. space pirates and all. "

a laugh escaped your lips suddenly, and you noticed that the tightness in your chest had disappeared and your breathing had slowed down to an even pace. putting your hand in the doctor's, she tugged you back towards the group. you knew that THAT wouldn't be the end of them, but you were certain that ... with the help from the doctor - you would be able to beat them faster than before.