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Pen Your Pride

Harry's Point Of View:

I led Hannah out the door and down the hall.  I didn't know what to think.  My mind was racing as it tried to process all these thoughts and emotions as we got into the lift.  Could Charlie really do something like that?  The Charlie I knew wouldn't, but maybe that Charlie didn't exist anymore.  Maybe this was the new Charlie.  A girl who randomly ignores her friends and resorts to violence.  

"Harry, that bitch is crazy."  Hannah said once we were in the lift.  She was checking her make up in the mirror she constantly carried around.

"I'm sure you weren't innocent either."  I said, under my breath.  Hannah must've done something to provoke her.

"You are not take her side again, are you?"  She asked, turning her head to shoot me a dirty look.  The sadness in her voice was gone and her usual attitude was back.

"I don't know who's side to take, Hannah."  I sighed, resting my head against the back of the lift.

"You saw her push me!"  She yelled.

"Why were you even in her flat?  Did you go there just to start trouble?"  I spat back.  I was so sick of Hannah and this attitude of hers was only making it worse.

"I was trying to see if she would hang out with the boys again."  She said.  I felt like she was lying, but I chose to ignore it.  The doors to the lift opened and I hung my head and walked out.

"Go home, Hannah."  I said as I left her standing alone.  I walked through the, seemingly empty, flat and straight into my room.  How could Charlie do something like that?  The Charlie I know, the Charlie I missed all these years, she wouldn't.  She was the one I had these feelings for.  She was the one I thought I was kissing in the hall the other day.  Was that girl gone?  I pulled out my phone to text Charlie.  I had to give her a chance to explain herself.

Me: "I can't believe you would do something like that, I won't believe it.  If you can explain yourself meet me at Starbucks in 10 minutes."

I threw on a beanie and made my way to the lobby and out the door.  I pulled my long sleeves over my hands.  It was starting to get cold out and the short walk to Starbucks against the cold wind reminded me I needed to start wearing a coat.  I found a table for two and sat down.  I'll just wait.  I thought.  She'll come.

Charlie's Point Of View:

I stood there and stared at the door in disbelief.  How could he?  How could he believe I would do something like that?  I thought he was breaking up with her.  I thought he couldn't stand her, but he believed Hannah over me.  Me, his best friend, the person he claimed he would do anything for.  I, instinctively, reached for the box of razor blades.  I almost chuckled at how natural it felt.  I gripped a single blade and closed my eyes as the burning pain rushed up my arm and through my entire body.  I let out a breath for, what felt like, the first time since Harry walked in.  I don't know why cutting helped me, but it did.  It was like all the stress that was built up inside me flowed out with the blood falling from my forearm and onto the white tiled floor.

I slowly and hesitantly made my way to my feet and went to wash my arms in the sink.  Just as I finished I heard my phone vibrate against the wood table.  It was Harry.

Harry: "I can't believe you would do something like that, I won't believe it.  If you can explain yourself meet me at Starbucks in 10 minutes."

Are you kidding me?  I would do anything to explain myself, but I couldn't.  Hannah was winning.  She knew too much.  If she told Harry that I tried to kill myself last year he would never look at me the same.  Sure he would act sympathetic at first and he would promise things would never change, but deep down he would think I was some damaged freak, just like everyone else.  And, like everyone else, eventually he would give up on me.  Having to watch my best friend hurt because of me and seeing him look at me differently would be much worse than not seeing Harry at all.  He was better off without me.

Harry's Point Of View:

I sat there in Starbucks and waited.  She was coming.  I just felt it.  If any part of the old Charlie was left in her at all she would come.  I looked at my watch and 20 minutes had passed.  I sat back in my chair and pinched the bridge of my nose.  "Come on, Charlie."  I whispered to myself.

As time passed I felt myself getting more and more anxious.  What if she didn't come?  What if this was it?  What was I supposed to do without her?  My insides felt like they were in one big knot and my knee wouldn't stop bouncing up and down.  I looked at my watch again.  It had been an hour.  I hesitantly got up and walked towards the large glass door at the front of the building.  She didn't come.  She didn't care enough to explain herself to me.  She didn't care about me at all.  If she did she'd be here right now.  Charlie was my everything.  Even though I felt so much anger and animosity towards her right now my feelings for her hadn't changed.  She was still the one.

Just as I pushed the heavy door open her name lit up on my phone.  Maybe I was wrong.  Maybe she was coming.  Maybe she just saw my text and was on her way.  I opened the message.

Charlie: "I'm so sorry."

That was it.  That was all she had to say to me.  "I'm so sorry?"  I chuckled a little.  I was willing to do anything, anything, for her and for us and all she had to say was sorry?  How did I let myself fall for someone so selfish?  I was right.  That sweet girl who cared so much about other people, the girl who used to run around my backyard with her hair in a pony tail and no make up on, without a care in the world, she was long gone.  I sighed as tears started to form in my eyes.  Maybe she was never coming back.

This story isn't saying that cutting or self-harming in anyway is ever the answer to any of your problems, it's simply exploring the mind of someone who resorts to that kind of thing.  If you need to talk to someone or you'd like to share your story (and maybe help someone else) you can, anonymously or not at http://he-put-the-ass-in-sass.tumblr.com/ask

What did you guys think?? Message me anonymously or not on tumblr at http://he-put-the-ass-in-sass.tumblr.com/ask  You can also see pictures of all the characters on my tumblr at http://he-put-the-ass-in-sass.tumblr.com/control

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