Chapter 10

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I'm sucking it up and breaking up with Levi. He thinks we're just going to meet at the park to talk about last night. But what he doesn't know can't hurt him, right? I see him on a bench and sit beside him, but not too close.

"So...about last night." He starts.

"Wait, I have something to say." I stop him. "I used to think that we were forever, you know? But I'm really having doubts, especially since all that's happened. It's like the universe has shifted and my world is now crashing down. Levi, everything has changed; it's come into perspective for me. I have accepted that our relationship was so much different than the average couple..."

"Was? What are you talking about?" Levi interrupts.

"Let me finish. We've had some good times, but most importantly...we have ups and downs. But they're not normal. Should I have to worry whether my boyfriend is really at work or just hooking up? No, I shouldn't. I don't think we can be together anymore, no matter how much I love you."

"So, this is it then? You're going to change your mind, Hayden." Levi says slowly.

"Levi, we are never, ever getting back together. I love you...but I can't stick around and keep getting hurt." 

Tears are swimming in my eyes. I hate that I had to do this, but it had to be done. It was a very unhealthy relationship, now that I think of it.

"You're going to regret this, I know it. Everyone does, Hayden, everyone."

I smile weakly. "I'm not like the other girls, Levi Smith. I am more smart, I know a healthy relationship when I see one."

I walk away before I can take my words back. It's over between us, there is no more Hayden and Levi. It's just Hayden...and Levi. Seperate people, not a whole. My heart is ripping and it feels like my whole body is about to collapse. I won't be able to hold in my pain anymore. I find a quiet, lonely place in the corner of the park and lie down. I'm holding myself in the fetal position, rocking back and forth on the ground. An ugly howl escapes me as I start sobbing. It's loud and full of pain, I almost don't recgonize the sound. It's a sound of pure pain and it shows how much I've kept in. I can see people stopping to stare at me, but I just don't care anymore. 

I'm cut so deep that I swear I don't have any heart left in me. I'm crying late into the night, until a police officer finds me. I'm barely aware by the time he gathers me into the back of his car. After a lot of coaxing my address out of me, he takes me to my parents' home. My mom is waiting there with open arms, even though I'm still sobbing in an ugly way. Mom gathers me in a plush blanket and sits me near the fire, where I continue to cry.

Around three in the morning I finally head up to my bed, but I'm grief stricken. I know I'm not going to sleep at all, it hurts too much. I try to keep my sobs quiet, but I can't help it. I'm howling again until my Mom comes with Gravol.

"This will help you sleep, honey." She hands the pills to me. "I know it hurts, but you'll be okay. I promise."

"You can't promise that." I say between sobs. "You should've seen the look on his face. He looked totally fine on the outside, but his eyes suggested otherwise."

I'm so messed up. I enter a state of calmness as the medicine kicks in. Soon enough, I'm drifting to a land where there is no pain. 

I crawl out of bed in the morning, my parents' hushed voices floating up from downstairs.

"Can we get her some medication?" Dad asks.

"No!" Mom retorts. "She's wounded, heart broke. I know you never went through that but...she really needs are help right now. You are not going to give up on her now, got that? Who cares how loud she cries, at least she's grieving."

"I just want to help her, some medicine to help her is fine."

"No, it isn't." Mom snaps. "Don't do anything to her, whether I'm here or not."

I padded down the stairs, barefoot. I head into the kitchen to get something for breakfast.

"How are you feeling, honey?" Mom asks me.

"Very, very sad, overwhelmed and yeah, very sad. So not too good." I say as I fish out ingredients for waffles.

I wonder how long I will feel like this, like my world is crashing down on top of me. I will just have to make sure to keep my distance. I don't know how long I will be able to keep that up though. I'm having a lot of trouble breathing with broken heartbeats. I'm not even mad at Natalie anymore, I'm just so sad. I've never, ever felt this way in my life. It's a foreign feeling, but apparenltly every girl goes through this. I believe that they do, but is it as bad as this?

I pour the waffle mix into the girdle and wait for 'the magic' to happen. Once the waffles are done, I set the table.

"Remember you have a doctor's appointment on Friday." Dad reminds me between bites of waffle.

"I know." I yawn. "How late was I up last night?"

"You left here around four in the afternoon and the police officer brought you here at midnight. Then you were up until three in the morning." Mom says.

I was crying for almost eleven hours straight. How on earth did I have that much tears to shed? I excuse myself from the table as soon as I start thinking of his floppy black hair, deep brown eyes. My heart is ripping even farther until the point where I'm back on the floor, unable to move. It hurts so bad, will it ever end? I've been manipulated, I swear. I will never be the same again for as long as I live. I don't regret breaking up with Levi, but if I knew I'd hurt this bad I'd have never done it.

This is when the tears start streaming down my cheeks. I try to keep the howls inside of me, but when I do that it makes them so much louder. I wonder if Levi feels the way I do, right now. But I doubt it, he's so vain. If only we had both kept our distances, it wouldn't hurt so bad. I'm falling into his trap, when he sees me out on the street he'll know I'm broken.

A few hours later, Megan finds me in the middle of the hallway. I'm curled into a ball, for the sake of keeping myself together.

"Come on, Hayden, let's go for coffee." She says.

I reluctantly follow her out into the unusually cool May air.

" broke up with him?" Megan asks after a while.

"Yeah, it's killing me."

That's the truth. I believe I will die if I don't try to get better.

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