I must have been upstairs for hours, just sat in the same spot, crying. Ashley's words were ringing in my ears. They were floating above my head.

"you're not the Andy I fell in love with" I repeat Ashley's words as tears spill out of my eyes. Ashley is right, I have changed and I don't like it. I hate myself. I feel nothing, just sadness and anger. I don't feel happy, I don't feel love. I don't even know if I love Ashley anymore. I've become a monster.

I heard Ashley coming up the stairs towards the bedroom. He opens the door just as a tear rolled down my cheek. Ashley looks at me and I wipe away the tear.



"I just wanted to say that..."

"Save it Ashley"

"But Andy..." He sits on the bed, near me. I move away from him.

"I said, save it!"

"No, I won't!"


"Because I love you, that's why!"

"No you don't" I whisper it, but not quiet enough.


"You heard me!"

"Why are you saying all of this Andy!"


"Andy! Fucking say something!"

"You know what Ashley! You're really starting to piss me right off! You think you know me, but you don't! You know nothing about me! So why don't you just fucking back off and leave me the fuck alone!" I lash out at him, not knowing where all this anger had suddenly come from. I look at his face.

Anger flashed in his eyes, but that was soon taken over by hurt and upset. This was no ordinary upset, not the sort of upset of where your fish has died, this was heartbroken upset.

"You really have changed Andy. Sometimes, I wish you would tell me things, I sometimes wish you would let me inside of that head of yours. Sometimes, I wish I could help you, but maybe I'm not good enough for you Andy, maybe you don't love me anymore" Ashley whispers the last bit as he looks to the floor.

I look at him, shocked and upset. Shocked and upset at me, not Ashley, but me.

"I do love you Ashley, I love you with all my heart" actually, I didn't know if I did. All I feel is sadness and anger.

"Then show it me Andy! Show me that you love me because right now, i feel like you don't. I feel like you...hate me? You've become distant from me, you won't let me touch you, you won't talk to me, I miss you Andy! I miss your hugs, our cuddles, our talks, I miss holding your hand, snuggling up with you on the sofa under your batman blanket, watching Batman with you, I miss holding you in my arms, I miss watching you sleep, I miss stroking your hair as you fall asleep on my lap with me, humming a tune to you, I miss going to the beach or the mall or the park with you. I miss showing you of to the world, I miss feeling proud of who I am when I'm with you, I miss the feel of your lips against mine, I miss looking into your blue eyes and getting lost in them, I miss lying in the back garden with you, in my arms, gazing at the stars together, I miss watching the sun set on the beach with you. God damn it Andy! Can you not see, I fucking miss you to death!"

I look at Ashley, hot tears were filling up in my eyes. Tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Ashley, I.." Ashley cuts me of by holding his hand up.

"Save it Andy, I'm going downstairs, I need to be on my own" Ashley gets up and I watch him walking out of the bedroom.

When Ashley was gone, I let the tears that I have been holding back, escape.

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