never gonna happen event, and a whole lotta truth

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I wish I knew if you read my writing...remember the first real conversation we had, you sat at my table out back and asked what I was writing, and asked if you could read it. I remember looking you in the eye andin a second I handed it to you. You were the first person I willingly allowed to read what I wrote. You knew, you knew my secret when you read it. I don't know the connection we had, I still don't know what it was. I could with practicality say we were both lonely? We were both wanting attention and love? I don't think so. But I know ive never trusted someone I just met like that. I had so much more to lose by even opening up to you at all. You could have destroyed me. But you didn't. You were the last person i talked to at nite and the first I talked to in the morning. We took so many risks to be together, I told so many lies because I loved you. This whole life im living reminds me of you. There is nothing and no where I go that I can't see you. I never dead bolt my door bc I feel like id be locking you out if you ever wanted to use the key. I know you never will. For 10 months I have watched for you to drive by, I used to see you, I sometimes think I see you but never believe 100% its you. And so many times I wish you would just stop in front of my house and walk down the sidewalk to me. Sit next to me like you used to and talk and smoke a cigarette with me. If you ever did, my head would be screaming it is my angel of death... that is usuallly what I think of you. Its not exactly a bad thing I promise, my head is so twisted now you wouldn't even really know me. But again indont really know you anymore either. You and I knew everything about eachother. I don't think either of those people exsist anymore. I do know the girl who loves you more than anything is around I tried to kill her, I tried to kill you out of her, I tell her nothing was real I tell her you never never loved her. Itell her you are so much happier without her and you wish to erase everything like it never exsisted. She hurt you, she made you bleed she scarred you for life, as you scarred her. I tell her she made it all up, it was not something so beautiful so once in a lifetime love. And for all I tell her, there is still part of me that will never believe any of the lies I tell, I asked you if it was real remember? You told me it was. I will never forget that. I wish I knew for sure you read this, I wish there was anyway in the world you could let me know, but I know better than to wish anymore. </3

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