Chapter 9

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-Caspar's POV-

Hospital Days

I had spent the day sitting on the floor outside of Joe's room talking to Zoe. About Joe, about love, about life. About anything that kept us crying.

At around 8 Alfie arrived to pick up Zoe. He looked at me warily, probably thinking I was hitting on Zoe. He didnt know I was gay, and now sure as hell wasn't the right time to tell him. Zoe and Alfie stepped into the room, their hands intertwined. I felt a pang of jealously.

After a couple minutes when they stepped out Zoe said, "He's still sleeping." Before Alfie grabbed her arm and pulled her away.

I sat there for another hour crying. I wasn't even thinking about anything, I was just... Crying. Most of the visitors had left, and most of the patients were sleeping. I felt so alone in the hallway. Just crying.

I felt a tap on the shoulder and looked up. A young nurse stared down at me with a pitiful look. I wanted to smack her. I didn't need her pity.

"I'm sorry. Visiting hours are over, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. If you'd like you can come again tomorrow as early as at eight in the morning." She said, a sad smile on her face.

"Fine." I said, getting up. I would have tried to stay longer but I had to get away from her disgusting pitiful look. I don't usually get mad easily but recently everything had been setting me off.

Part of me knows why. I felt guilty and I was taking it out on others. It was my fault Joe was hurt. If I hadn't been such an idiot sitting in my room all day I would have been able to go after Joe. To protect him.

I got in my car, and turned on the radio as I drove. The streets were nearly empty, only a couple cars were on the road.

A black jeep and a blue Honda.

The Jeep turned and a while after so did the Honda. I was on the streets alone for a few minutes until I got home.

"I'm home." I said out of routine. A sadness hit me as I realized nobody was home to care anyway. I was alone. I was sad. But I deserved it.

I fell asleep on the floor, curled into a ball.

When I woke up, I frantically looked at the clock. It was already 7:33. Shit. I wanted to get to the hospital right when visiting hours started at 8am to when they ended at 9pm.

I wanted to spend every hour, every second with Joe.

I drove to the hospital in my pajamas and uncombed hair. I drove a few miles above the speed limit. Not enough to get me pulled over by the police, but enough to get me to the hospital faster.

I found a spot in the parking lot and check the time. 8:34. I ran as fast as I could into the hospital. I didn't bother stopping at the desk first, I went straight to the room.

I stepped in and looked at Joe. He was still sleeping. I think. It was hard to tell because of how swollen his face was.

"Shit Joe! Why'd you have to go and get beaten up when you're not even gay! I'm the gay one! I'm the one who deserves to die! I'm the worse one! I love you Joe Sugg. And you need to live." My voice grew softer and softer with each word. I saw Joe stir for a moment, and I rushed back out of the room. I was too scared to face Joe awake. He hates me. I know it.

I sat there for a couple hours, blaming myself, hating myself, loving Joe. I heard footsteps and looked up. It was Zoe and her dad.

"Caspar!" Zoe said, smiling.

"Hi." I said, I didn't have the heart to smile back.

"Why are you sitting out here?" Zoe asked. "There's chairs inside the room."

"I don't want to face Joe when he's awake. But I want to be near his presence." I answered.

Zoe looked both confused and understanding. "Well he's sleeping now and he's not awake so come in."

I stood up slowly, and just stood at the doorway.

"Zoe?" I heard Joe murmur. He was up.

I quickly stepped back out the door where I wasn't visible. I could still hear them. Even though I wasn't trying to eavesdrop. Okay, maybe I was. But only to see what Joe said about me.

Joe and Zoe talked for hours about anything and everything. Joe avoiding any questions about what had happened the night he was hurt. My legs grew weak from standing so I went back to sitting. I was still waiting for my name to be mentioned even once.

Joe said something about Alfie and "the others". Was I just included in "the others"? I wasn't important enough to him to even say my name? I closed my eyes but didnt allow myself to fall asleep. I was tired but I kept listening. Still waiting for my name.

It never came, and soon their conversation drew to an end as Zoe had to go meet up with the gang. She offered to tell them she couldn't make it and just stay with him but he wouldn't hear of it.

Zoe left with a wave goodbye to me. I kept sitting there silently.

I peeked in the room and found a sleeping Joe so I allowed myself to come in.

"Oh, it's you again!" I heard a familiar voice say. The nurse who pitied me from yesterday walked in the room and smiled. I didn't smile back. I didn't say anything.

I heard a shuffling sound coming from Joe's bed so I ran back out.

"Who was there?" I heard Joe ask the nurse.

"I don't know his name to be honest." The nurse responded.

I hear a lot of loud footsteps and saw Zoe, Troye, Tyler, Hannah, and Alfie all come running. The same group from the party night and they all had concerned looks on their faces.

"Ooh! Looks like you have visitors!" The nurse said, clapping her hands as she saw the group stop at Joe's door.

I heard them all walk in, and an excited Joe say, "Wow! Everyone came! The whole group!" Then he laughed a glorious whole hearted laugh.

I couldn't even enjoy his laugh though. Because what he had just said hurt so much feeling happy wasn't even an option. He hadn't even realized I was missing. I wasn't part of that "everyone". Joe really must have hated me. Or even worse, maybe he didn't even care about me, or think about me enough to even hate me. I was that meaningless to him.

The nurse stepped outside and stared at me.

"Don't you want to go in and talk to him? He's awake now."

I decided to explain to her how I couldn't yet mentally.

She only nodded and her pitiful look was plastered across her face once more. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep so she'd walk away.

I continued going to the hospital for a week on the same schedule. I arrived as soon as they opened to until they kicked me out. Zoe and everyone visited him for a couple hours each day for the first few days but then they stopped. I still hadn't went to talk to him when he was awake. I actually hadn't gone into look at him again. I was content with sitting outside his door feeling his presence.

"Your friend is being let out tomorrow!" The nurse said as soon as she saw me.

My eyes widened. A part of me was happy. Excited bursting with joy. That meant Joe was better. But another part of me was breaking. Joe would move out and I'd never get to feel his presence again.

I couldn't take it. The thought of not being with Joe. But it was a reality I'd have to face. I did t deserve to even be around Joe anyway.

That's right. I was selfish as to even be around Joe. I don't even deserve that. I'm terrible. It's all my fault and he hates me. I decided rather than to spend the rest of the day feeling down, I needed to start getting used to life without Joe'a presence.

I picked myself up off the cold tile floor, and walked back out to my car. My heart already feeling empty.

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