To my monster,
Writing a letter to you wasn't something I ever thought of. After all in this era of modernization, who even cares to have a look on a mere sheet of paper. But I couldn't take it any longer. Yes, you are right I am tired.
You remember those days we used to fight like cats and dogs. You threw eggs on me and you even forced me to eat that dirty and smelly soup but thankfully I didn't get to taste it. You even made me a spot girl and not to forget you broke my Appa's pen. And in return I punched you in front of the whole college.
Those days I cried buckets because of you. I hated you and you hated me too. But now when I think of those times I want to live them all over again. I want to punch you even more harder.
I can never forget the storeroom with the rats. After all that was the place from where we felt the tiny winy sparks within us. I thought you were a monster but you proved me wrong. You remember when my brother got the panic attack, you calmed him down by singing "Manjha". I saw your true self then and honestly speaking I fell in love with you at that very moment.
When I got drunk, you handled me. I still remember in my drunken state I had stepped forward to kiss you in order to soothe your pain but you pushed me away. You didn't take advantage of me. Then you had told me that you loved the stars because they shone. But I hated them and I had told you to stay with me so that I could shine for you.
I still want you to be with me because I still want to shine for you. My very first diwali with you is the most memorable diwali up till date. I can never forget how your eyes had sparkled when you saw the artificial starlight from the lantern. I can never forget how you had looked into my eyes and said that I looked equally beautiful to stars. Same way I can never forget the way you had held onto my duppatta and had told me not to go.
I honestly want to turn back the clock and go back which is so impossible. Our love was sealed by the stars and the fireflies. You remember the night of the opening of Musicana, that night you had confessed your love for me. Then too the stars had shone and the fireflies had glowed, sealing our love for hamesha and forever.
I believe my theory of fireflies and your love towards the stars somehow made our love story a stars and fireflies love story. Till the stars shine and till the fireflies glow MaNan is forever and hamesha.
You said that night on the opening of musicana, amidst the stars, those three magical words and sealed my lips. The shining stars and the glowing fireflies are the proof of our love. Though you broke my heart the next day but I know that you lied that day. You loved me then and you still love me.
Our love went through a lot of ups and downs, test and trials. When you hurt me, I knew more than me you hurt yourself. We cried buckets, tried ignoring each other, tried pushing each other away but all went in vain.
Our hearts were connected. I couldn't stop myself from worrying about you and neither could you stop worrying about me. We got jealous, we acted rashly but nevertheless we ended up in each other's arm.
We unknowingly made a lot of memories with each other. We secretly dated and did a lot of things together. Even when we fought with each other, we just couldn't avoid one another. Our break ups were more like a new beginning whether it had been on musicana night or Valentine's night.
From your confession in the rain to my confession in Manglore, we went through a long journey. Honestly after Pandit's assault, I thought I would never be able to recover. I would never be able to play music. Even when you touched me I got paranoid. To clear out my head, I wanted a break, a break from every single thing. So I went to Manglore but you didn't leave me alone even when I asked you too. You followed me there in the name of workshop. Just because of you and your efforts I recovered.
You even managed to win the heart of my Amms and not to forget my birthday celebration with you was the best.
Even in Manglore we had tiny winy fights. We were more or less like Tom and Jerry, always bickering over small things. But just the way Jerry completed Tom, you complete me. I am completely incomplete without you.
When I was tensed, you gave me relief. Your warm embrace really had the power to do that. The way you sang the song " Lal lal gaal" for me I want to hear it once again. I really want to run into your arms just like on that day.
When Fab 5 was in the phrase of breaking, you still didn't show your worry to me. You hugged me, spent time with me and remember our MaNan bracelet.
Manik's Ma and Nandini's Nan made MaNan. I know that was cliche but I wanted to experience even the most cliche moments with you.
When I got to know about Nyonika and Harshad, I felt terrible but more than that I was glad that I was with you that day. I was at least happy that you didn't have to go through that alone. I miss your head in my lap. I so miss it.
The day our souls got intertwined, I felt complete and I felt so just because of you. I miss the warmth of your arms. I miss your captivating heartbeat. I miss your warm lips against mine. I miss the way you teased me. I miss the way you touched me. I miss the way you cared for me. I miss every single thing of you.
That night when you and Cabir met with that dreadful accident, my world crashed down. I wish I had been there and not any of you.
Gone are those beautiful times that I spent with you, and so are you. And what remains here are the memories spent with you. Things end but memories don't. You are no more but your memories are still there, engraved deep inside my heart.
But do you think that living with memories is worth living? No Manik. Living without you is worthless. I dreamt of a life with me and you. Not one with me and your memories.
I die every single day. I want to shine but I don't have anyone whom I can shine for. With every single passing day, I feel that somehow I am getting closer to your world. I wish I had you sitting beside me. I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish and all I can do is to wish.
I want to live those moments once again. I want to run into your warm and protective arms. But you're gone and I can't help. But yes my dear monster, I can surely come to you.
Some one had said that if hearts don't meet on earth, they end up meeting in heaven. And you know, that's what I want. I am determined to meet you. I can't live without you and that's all.
Nobody would support me even not you. Even my mind isn't on my side but my heart. That's what is compelling me to do this. I know you would have gone mad on me and I know this. But, this is the only thing I can do.
I love you and only you, without any pauses, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep loving you.
Your shining star.
I hope it somehow took you down the memory lane of our very own MaNan.
I so miss them and I long for them more and more.
(P.S: The motive of this OS is not to encourage suicide)
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