It hurts.

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WARNING: DEPRESSION AND SELF HARM!
Look at the end of the chapter for notes.

The headache that struck Alex almost made him pass out. He felt his fever rising, everything was blurry, and tears were streaming out of his eyes. He stood up and began walking around, clenching the throbbing head.

-Why? Why the fuck would you... So many cuts, scars... Blood... Were you trying to die!? From blood loss!?-

He raised his voice as he fell to his knees hardly, feeling small rocks ramming through the trousers into his skin. Cameron was crying too, from fear and remorse. He wasn't angry. He knew that when he will have this talk with his big brother, he'll be angry, it just couldn't be otherwise, but... He wasn't. He was remorseful.

-I couldn't control it, Alex... I wasn't telling you because I knew you'll get upset with me. I promised you to stop, but the nightmares, and the entity, the shot, the blood and the burns... I couldn't... I couldn't take it... It was an hour of weakness!-

He was excusing himself. It was wrong. He felt that it was wrong. He needed to explain everything. Alex was a living being too, he will understand, if it won't be a mess of a talk. But, unfortunately, Alex heard him, and he couldn't change his words.

-But why death? You could talk... To me, Chara, Mike, Asriel... Mike isn't your diary, you know!? He wants to help! If you'd just talk to us... I could help, I was there all those times, I was going with you over those episodes so many times... I never broke a single promise, I never failed you...-

Alex was trying to come back to full consciousness, but he couldn't. He didn't know why was it happening, but the illness and the fever were coming back, striking his body and mind at full power. For the first time in his life, he was losing it. He was sliding out of the reality.

-I know... But you got so tired of me by now. You think I don't know that you told Chara you get tired of me? I overheard that, I remembered that... I don't blame you, though...-

Cameron managed to shake himself calm as he covered his scarred arm. No... He said the wrong thing again! Fuck. Alex wasn't to blame, he wasn't... Why did he remind him of this conversation he accidentally overheard two and a half months ago!? He wasn't to blame... Alex had full right to get tired. After all, he depended on Cameron's condition for long enough to have some freedom.
Alex was a complete mental wreck by now. His determined self, the seriousness... All shattered. His brother didn't trust him, was afraid of him, kept secrets, but this... He tried to die, not thinking that he cared.

-If you died... Don't you understand that aside from me, if you don't trust me, there is a full family that wants to have you alive in this world!? But I care! I CARE! Why...? Why couldn't you just tell me that I offended you? I give you freedom to curse me, hate me, go on and hit and kick me to the point that I pass out! I deserve it! I failed you, I fully deserve it!-

Alex clenched his head harder and shut his eyes. Everything was so blurry and foggy, it was so hot, his head hurt so much... Cameron was reaching out to him. He was afraid. He had so much to say to his brother, so much to tell, to put up with him and apologize for the mistrust and misunderstanding, yet Alex was in pain, he couldn't tell him all he felt and thought. Alex wouldn't hear him, and if he would, it'll only hurt him more.

-Alex... Alex please... I won't do it again, I swear, I promise! Stop fooling around! Alex! I beg you! Stop!-

He creeped to his brother. Alex was panting and sweating.

-It hurts so much...-

Everything was spinning like a carousel. Alex couldn't even feel Cameron shaking him in fright and despair. His mind, filled with insanely running and bouncing thoughts and pulsing and stinging pain which went worse with every heartbeat, faded into haze before he stopped feeling the painful reality and collapsed into complete black.

This was supposed to be the ending of the previous chapter but I separated them. Sorry for the depressing content, but at some points in life even of fictional character there's shit happening. After the next chapter things will be brighter again! Please don't hesitate to vote and comment!

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