When You Were Never Mine: Part 2

Triggers

It definitely wasn't your first choice to sleep; it was made very clear by both your husband and your super soldier friend that if you didn't at least attempt to get a few hours of rest, they would both remain tight-lipped about any plans to find Bucky. They had promised to wait so that you could have at least two hours, but it was a joke that they would actually expect you to close your eyes for even one minute of that time. How could they possibly think that closing your eyes would be a good idea when you knew that there was a terrific chance that the next time you opened them you would see horrors that didn't belong to you?

But then, even despite your strong will against it, your eyes closed for just a moment; it was a flash of a second, just to rest your heavy lids. Or at least, that's how it felt.

It didn't take long for the screams to begin again, filling the recesses of your mind with a sound that eviscerated your heart and shredded your soul in knowing exactly what it meant. Bucky had sacrificed himself to free you, and with each passing minute, and with each cry that would go unanswered, your guilt became nearly unbearable. When you could feel him trying to connect, even in your sleep, you tried to push back just as he had asked you to, not only for him but because you couldn't stand to see what was happening.

It still would have been nice to have a choice in the matter.

You hadn't realized that the connection had been made, not until you woke up to Tony and Steve both desperately trying to break it. Even with the two of them supposedly ready, and even still in your sleep, your hands met theirs with strength that couldn't have been your own. When your eyes finally opened and you came back to the real moment, you found yourself in the hallway outside of your room, crouched in a corner with Steve standing over you defensively and Tony just behind him with a split lip and an eye already showing the haze of a bruise.

"(Y/N)?" Steve panted anxiously, his hands ready to catch you again. "(Y/N), talk to me. Tell me where you are. Do you know me?"

"S-steve," you answered, equally breathless in both action and an enveloping fear, "what the hell? What happened?"

"You connected, didn't you?" Tony answered for him, hurrying to your side now that he was sure that you were back to your own mind.

"I...I don't know...it would seem so," you nodded, but stopping to stand to meet him. You gently took his face in your hands, the guilt you had felt before seeming like nothing now. "Oh, honey, did I do that? I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"I'm fine," he waved you away, but didn't step back, "don't worry about me. I'm worried about you enough for the both of us. Tell us what you saw."

You waited to close your eyes and released him, hesitant to allow the images back in, but knowing that you didn't have a choice. You were taking the risk of connecting again, and it was apparent that both men knew it too; you saw Steve stand a little taller, and the familiar sound of one of Tony's gauntlets approaching filled the hallway. "Are you gonna shoot me, Tony?"

"Of course not. But if he's connecting to you, and if there's any part of Barnes left, then maybe he'll keep better control thinking that I might."

"He knows you better than that."

"I'm not willing to risk how much he knows me, sweetheart. I'm not willing to risk you, either."

"Do I have to do this?" you asked Steve, almost meekly. It was uncharacteristic for you to sound so uncertain, and it wasn't lost on either of them.

"I'm sorry, (Y/N), but you know I wouldn't do this if I had any other choice," he said. "We need to find him."

"I know," you agreed, taking a long, hesitant breath that shook your entire body. Tony reached out for your hand, but you refused him, wanting to keep any distance between you until you knew that he wasn't in danger being so close to you. The two most important men in your life were suffering, and you would do everything you could to keep from causing any more pain.