Torn... (Niam Fanfic.)

Chapter 4 - Panic

{the song in the side bar should be played just as Niall goes into the bathroom. I just like the song, it's sad and goes with the sadness of that scene I guess. TANKS.}

Once Nathan had gone home, I pulled off my clothes and stepped into the shower. The water burned my skin, but I hardly noticed. I welcomed the pain as I dwelled on the thought of Zayn, Louis and Liam planning something against me. I lifted my chin in the air, letting the water flow over my face and through my hair, still burning. I felt a silent tear fall down my face, my body growing weak as I thought about everything. I started to sing. It was the only thing I did before my mother left us. When I said she's not around much? I meant she's not around at all. My mother meant everything to me. She taught me everything I know about anything. Even singing. I loved to sing, but ever since she left, I found no point in carrying on. Singing was supposed to be something happy, but since my mother abandoned us and left me with my father... Nothing felt entirely happy anymore. Yeah, I could have a laugh and feel happy for the few hours I was with friends, but as soon as I got home, reality would hit and I would feel alone again. When we moved from Mullingar to London, everything changed. Mum and Dad started fighting a lot. One day they were both pushing their luck, saying things that they knew would get to them. Mum took it one step too far and dad couldn't control his temper.. I was watching the whole thing from the hallway, which they didn't seem to notice. Dad took his hand to mum's face and she fell backwards, crying. I swore that day that I would never hurt someone the way he hurt her. I ran in and hugged my mum as my dad walked towards her angrily. He pushed me out of the way but before he could do anything, my mum was standing. Running. She ran upstairs into her room, dragging me with her by the wrist. She packed a bag for us both and we got in the car. Soon enough, mum couldn't cope on her own. She moved me back in with my dad and she went back to Mullingar. I never could forgive her. But I know I'll always love her.

"What hurts the most.. Was being so close. Having so much to say, and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been.. And not seeing that loving you, is what I was trying to do.." I sang, washing the shampoo through my bleach blond hair. I let the boiling water wash away the shampoo and hoped the thoughts of Zayn would go with it. I washed the rest of my body then got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist. I shook my head, water flying from my hair, before grabbing another towel and drying my face & hair. As I looked into the mirror, I once again tried to practice my fake smiles. I was getting pretty good, not that that's anything to be proud of - but I was.

I pulled on some pajamas and slipped into my bed, burying my face into my pillow with a lot of force. I let out a groan as my phone buzzed at the end of the bed. I sat up and grabbed it, grimacing at what appeared on the screen.

"Zayn Malik posted a video of you." It read and I pushed my lips tightly together, unlocking my phone and clicking on the notification. As the video loaded, I checked the title.

"Niall the gay wimp."... That was the title. Okay, I'm fine with being called a wimp. But gay? To be honest, I'd never really thought about my sexuality that much. I knew I wasn't into girls or boys all that much, because any relationship I had seemed to fail miserably. I believed that if you fell in love, you fell in love, it didn't matter what the other persons gender was. The video loaded and I opened it up into full screen.

"Ah, good morning, Niall." Zayn was stood behind me and my mind flashed back to this moment, yesterday. Zayn smiled into the camera and I bit my quivering lip.

"What do you want?" my small voice replied, barely audible from the speaker of my phone.

"Nothing. What makes you think I want something?"