4: Over Again

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I hate myself for saying that to him

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I hate myself for saying that to him. He's done so much for me, he doesn't deserve someone as shitty as me. I can't believe I said that.

I love him, I do. He supports me, gives me food, a home and has the occasional nice thing to say but it feels forced. Everything we do for one another seems to be a chore. It's not like he comes home and gives me a kiss on the cheek and telling me about how much he missed me while he was at work. He doesn't come to bed and wrap his arms around me before telling me he loves me more than anything else in this world. Stuff like that is what I had hoped my husband would have done for me, especially in the beginning.

We got married two years ago. Just a small reception, nothing big, just a few family members. No friends. I left the country and my friends to marry him... I needed to start over, that's why we planned to get married.

I shouldn't be mad at him. I really shouldn't. He's sacrificed so much for me. I'm a shitty wife, I know that. I'm not warm to him most of the time either.

I lay in bed unable to sleep as I go over everything I said. I know I overreacted. His intentions weren't to hurt me or make me look bad. I was already irritated by being there and I guess I took it out on him.

I left the bed and went into the living room. The entire house was dark minus some lights from appliances and red light on the TV telling us it was off.

As I come around the couch, I see Zayn laying there. He's not asleep and he looks uncomfortable as he lays there.

"Z?" I ask quietly, as if I was checking to see how awake he really was.

"Yeah?" He mumbles.

I sat down on the couch next to him and he sat up a bit.

"I'm sorry..." I admit.

He nods.

"It's not your fault... that things aren't the way I had hoped they'd be. It's me too... a lot of me..."

He nods, seeming very sad about the whole situation. His soft eyes not looking straight into mine while his mouth dips down.

"I shouldn't have said that... I do love you, I do..."

"It's just, I wish you had said something sooner... I knew things haven't been good between us recently but these are things we need to talk about. I guess I kinda knew deep down that you weren't happy. I just didn't want to hear it."

"I'm not saying I can't be... I can. It's just—"

"— you don't like being with me as much as you had hoped you would have."

^ "No

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^ "No..." I look down.

I see him fighting off tears after I say that. His eyes fall down and he looks away.

"I don't mean I don't think this will ever work... I mean, things could get better. We just have to find common ground..."

"Maybe we need to start over...?"

"Like dating while we're married? I don't see how that would work."

"I don't even know what the problem is, Isa. We need to really get to know each other... like actually know each other. That's the only way we can find out what's wrong... We can't just rely on knowing the simple things like our favourite foods but what we want from all of this..."

"Are you asking me out then, Zayn?"

He sits up further, pulling me onto his lap and tucking some hair behind my ear. Finally, his eyes meet mine.

 Finally, his eyes meet mine

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^ "Would you like that?"

"I would." I smile.

"Then I am... would you go out with me, Isabelle?"

I nod. "Yeah. That'd be nice."

Finally, a smile falls onto both of our faces as we finally feel like maybe we have a real shot at making this better.

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