The Cataclysm

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Author: ShirozouElric

Genre: Sci-fi/Fantasy

Mature


I find the cover to be interesting and attention-grasping, but I don't exactly understand how the skull and the story are related. Perhaps this will become more clear as you publish more of your story, but I don't see how they come together yet. 
I think the title fits your story quite well and it is suspenseful and mysterious. 

Grammatical errors:
Chapter 0: I suggest you split apart your writing into more paragraphs. By having one single paragraph, you audience can't see where events and sections end and begin, and it can become very overwhelming to your readers. Try to begin a new paragraph every time a new event occurs, the focus shifts, or there is a slight change in scenery. In Chapter 1, however, you did an excellent job with splitting up your paragraphs.
Chapter 1: I noticed that when you wrote dialogue, you italicized what the characters were saying. When you use quotation marks, there is no need to also italicize your writing. Generally, when a section is in italics, your audience imagines the dialogue to be a character's thoughts rather than words actually spoken by your characters. When you write thoughts, italics are necessary, but they are not needed when you are writing direct dialogue with quotation marks. 

I found your descriptions to be clear and your audience could follow along, but some of your explanations were a bit straightforward--too much telling rather than showing. For example, in Chapter 1, you listed what Shirozou was wearing. Instead of simply stating that he was wearing a white shirt, you could incorporate these details into the storyline. Why did he choose a plain white shirt? Was it comfortable? Be sure to mention little details like this as you write, because the audience will have a much easier time imagining how the characters are thinking and how these descriptions fit into the story. 

Aside from this, I thought your explanations were very clear and I had no difficulty imagining how the characters were feeling. The narrative writing style works quite well with your story. 

I also quite like the vocabulary words you used and how your sentences were structured. It made the story seem very serious and proper, yet relatable and interesting. You really allowed your readers to enter the story and explore it through Shirozou's eyes. 

I thought the story got off to a very action-packed and suspenseful start. You described the setting very nicely without overdoing it on the details, and I could picture the characters very easily. I found your writing to be very clear yet creative and the style works very nicely with the story. You mentioned that you are trying a way of writing in which your story is equally sci-fi as it is fantasy. I think you did an excellent job portraying this, as the story very clearly takes place in the realistic future, yet there are many fantastical aspects to the plot. 

Your chapters ended on a suspenseful note and each contained some interesting events. However, I think it would be beneficial if you elaborated a bit more on these events. For example, in Chapter 1, it would be more interesting if you really described what Elric was thinking and feeling when the broadcast appeared on his cellphone. Was he scared? Confused? You did a great job explaining the broadcast itself and how everybody received the message, but more of Elric's thoughts could have been incorporated into this section. 

I feel that the information provided in the beginning of Chapter 1 could be written as a prologue or transferred into an information chapter if you feel that it is necessary to the story. Although you explain the world that the story takes place in, I would like to see you still describe the setting and the characters as if the audience doesn't know anything about it. This will allow you to create a very lively and detailed scene for your readers. 

Something that I also recommend you remain aware of is head-hopping. This occurs when you are writing in third-person and you begin describing the thoughts of the other characters that are not being focused on. For example, in Chapter 1, you described how Elric walked up to the stage and you explained how the person accompanying him was blind. You explained that he created a mental image around him, which put your readers in Kurokami's mind rather than Elric's. To explain how Kurokami makes a mental image of his surroundings in his mind, you should use Elric's voice and thoughts to describe this. Perhaps you could write how Elric first discovered that Kurokami was able to create such a clear mental image. 

I found the characters to each be very unique and they all had their own traits that distinguished them from one another. It is clear that you have spent lots of time developing the world that your story takes place in, and your characters fit the plot perfectly. Their traits and personalities clearly stem from their experiences and hardships as well as the history of the world they live in. 

Overall, I thought the story was creative and original and you did a spectacular job of blending fantasy with sci-fi. Your characters are interesting and the plot of the story is very suspenseful!

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