Strapped: Confessions of a Butch Teenage Lesbian
Diary Entry #1: "UNTHINKABLE."
By: C.D. Kirven
I stare at her...hoping to catch a smile... I watched her as she went about her everyday...unaware that my eyes were along for the ride or that my heart is attached to her indifference....in the same way my dreams are tied to my reality. Sofia...was my first real crush.
She was a cheerleader dating a linebacker and I was a tomboy barely able to accept my attraction to girls. She never treated me differently...she was always kind and it was a nice change because I had become so accustom to being the school house weirdo. Homecoming night... changed my life forever and I knew she would always be apart of me...from that moment on. The air was crisp filled with a buzz of excitement and lights were strung along the bleachers giving off an elegance to the typically grungy Friday night lights. She walked up to me in the hall; headed toward the gymnasium and asked: "Hey Johnnie! Are you going the dance after the game?" I heard my name...but couldn't believe one of the most popular girls in school was actually talking to me. "Awwwh,,, Yea, I was thinking about... I mean... dropping by."
As usual I came off like a nerd...when I wanted to be cool. "Cool... I hope to see you there."
I kept thinking in my head, was I dreaming... Did Sofia actually go out of her way to talk to me? My friend Tasha always seemed to have a way of raining on my parade. "Man, that girl don't care about you...and is definitely not gonna give your nerdy butt any play."
Most of the time Tasha was hating...but this time...she was probably right. Why would she like me or give me the time of day? Well, I was still excited about going to homecoming even if I that meant we only shared a passing glance. Against my mother's wishes and the school principles ominous warnings, my swag was on full effect. I was pimped out in Lactose shirt and tie...letting my Stacy Adam's set the tone...of my big boi stunting. Tasha and I arrived at the homecoming dance of course to the usual freakish stares...but tonight...no one was going to steal my joy.
As we walk around and the guys started in with their normal bull dyking comments, we decided to stand near the speakers close to the stage. Tasha went to go get us a drink...then I feel a tap on my shoulder. "Hey Johnnie! Looking good." My mouth dropped open and all I could say was; "You too lil mama." Sofia laughs and heads toward her boyfriend Marcus. Man... When I say Sofia is smoking "hawt"... I mean smoldering like white fire. Sofia is Brazilian with cream brown skin, a saucy Bronx attitude, cold black curly hair and a smile as big as Texas. She was as curvy as the autobahn and too much woman for 50 cent wannabe Marcus. Most of the night went as expected; she was absolutely gorgeous and had a glow about her all night even though Marcus spent most of their night hitting on other girls. I spend my whole night watching her take my breathe away with ever passing glance. As we were leaving, I went to say goodbye to my friend Lisa...she is curious so I keep my distance because I have no intentions of being anyone's passing fancy. Then I ran into...BAM!!!
"Hey.. I'm sorry... I didn't see you there"... It was Sofia.. I'm so sorry!!! I wasted her punch all over her shoes... I fell to my knees trying to wipe it up with me hands and cursing my two left feet... When she pulled me up by the arm and said; "It's ok... Johnnie... accidents happen."...
I stood up...looking down and said; "Yeah.. When people are careless...well.. I was just leaving.. Sofia... I'm so sorry I ruined your shoes.."
As I walked off, she grabbed my arm and I turned around she said; "I don't know how to ask you... I mean I never would ask anyone this... Then she looked down. I wanted to die because I had managed to hurt the only person that I really ever cared about..
"Look... just give me the bill...when you get them cleaned and I gotta go say bye to Lisa..." As I turned, she said; "Do you think I'm pretty?"
In my head I was thinking, what did she just say?
She went on; "I'm just asking do you think I'm as pretty as Lisa?"
I turned around and looked into her eyes. I walked up to her and softly pushed her up against the lockers...
"You are the most beautiful person I've ever had the pleasure to see... with my own eyes."
I placed my hand on her face and she looked onto my eyes. I grabbed her and kissed her.
I kissed her like she would be the only person I would ever kiss in my life. The next thing
I remember is a series of punches and Sofia screaming stop... Marcus caught us kissing.
Marcus and two of his friends beat me up. Everyone at the dance came out to watch the fight and in what seemed like a few seconds but...according to Tasha was at least five minutes...the principle came out to stop the fight. I was bruised and bloody. Tasha dropped me off at home but I didn't go in....I mean what would I tell my mother. I knew what she would say...she told me to try to be normal like all the other girls. I really didn't want to hear that right now because in my mnd... I had been humiliated in the presence of the only girl I would ever care about...at least that's how it seemed in my 16 year-old mind. I was sitting on the porch and my mom came out. I told her I would be in a few.... I just wanted needed to be alone for awhile. She must have sensed something was wrong....because instead of her normal ranting and raving she said;
"Ok sweetie, but come in soon."
A car drove up and I was scared because I thought it was Marcus and his crazy friends coming to finish what they started at the party... I was ready because I would grab whatever and do whatever.... They were on my stomping grounds now. Then she got out of the car and rushed up to me. "Johnnie.. Are you ok?" I was shocked to see her and surprised Sofia even knew where I lived. "Yeah... I'm cool.. What are you doing here? She stood up and said;
"I just wanted... I needed to know you were ok.. That's all." She began to walk off and I yelled; "Sofia.. What do you want from me?"
She turned around and looked confused. "Nothing..." She began to walk to her parents'' car and I ran up to her. I turned her around and I kissed her softly. She grabbed my face and kissed me back with a passion I had never experienced. "Come with me," she whispered.
I knew I was going to be in big trouble but there was no way I wasn't going with her.
We parked by the lake. As the car engine settled, she turned around and looked into my eyes.
"I don't know what I'm feeling for you and I don't understand it... I can't make any promises beyond tonight but I will love you with everything I have... right now."
She grabbed my hand and put it on her face. A tear ran down her cheek and she looked down.... I took my finger and placed it at the bottom of her chin to slowly raise her face up until she was looking into my eyes. "All I have ever wanted was you and if it's only for one night... Then I will make this night last forever." I began to kiss her softly with every touch was slow and deliberate because every touch would mean a year I would never have her all to myself. It was my first time with anyone and I gave myself to her completely. I must admit the night was an intoxicating blur because we were one....in the throws of passion all night long.
It was early in the morning... The air was cool and the read light of the dawn hit her face as she dropped me off. There was nothing left to say because it had all been said with a kiss. As she drove off, my heart was slowly breaking as I watched her drive away... .... Whenever I hear the Alicia Keys' song "Unthinkable", I think of Sofia and our night together.