A Night in the Caravan

84 10 11

Author: -wildest

Genre: Historical Fiction


I find the cover to be a bit bland. I can't entirely see how it is related to the story, and the text is a bit small. The title, on the other hand, is an excellent fit for your story. It outlines one of the main events in the story without spoiling any details. Be sure to capitalize your title in the story. 

Grammatical errors:
Chapter 1: "Her step-mother and father were currently in the mill..." This paragraph is one long run-on sentence. You may want to go back to this area and break up the sentence into multiple parts or add some necessary punctuation. 
Chapter 1: "A woman on the senator starts speaking..." The word "senator" doesn't make much sense here, and your audience has a hard time understanding what it is you are referring to. The sentence following this one is also a run-on. 

As I read your story, I noticed the dialogue change slightly in different spots. In some areas, Evangeline spoke properly and politely, and at other times, she spoke with a very different tone and used different language. In order to make the story as realistic as possible, try to keep the dialogue and language used as consistent as possible. 

I also noticed that at times, you would repeat words or explanations multiple times in a paragraph or a sentence. For example, you would write "he saw," "she saw," etc. very close together. You may want to try to use different explanations and vocabulary when describing events as to avoid it sounding repetitive. Other than this, I thought your descriptions were quite good and I had no problem imagining Evangeline's life and the people around her. To make the characters and scene even more lively, however, you may want to consider adding more sensory details. Perhaps include some descriptions on the scene and the smell of the setting. This would allow the audience to really picture the setting and the story. 

Be sure to keep an eye out for areas where the tense of the story changes. For example, in Chapter 1, you began your story by mentioning that Evangeline was desperate to get out of the house before Albert got home. You then proceeded to write about Evangeline's past experiences with him. However, when you again began describing Evangeline in the present, you started writing in present tense when the beginning of the story was written in past tense: "Evangeline, wary of the passing time, shrugs on her father's trench coat..." Make sure you keep the tense consistent throughout the story. 
I noticed this later in the first chapter as well; you would write some sentences in past-tense and others in present-tense. Keep an eye out for this as you write. 

You may also want to clarify at the beginning of your chapters who the chapters are based around. In Chapter 1, I could tell that Evangeline was the main focus, but it took me a moment to realize that Chapter 2 was not focused around her. I was primarily thrown off by the fact that the second chapter began exactly where the first chapter left off, and I did not expect the next section to be based around another character who was not quite introduced yet. 

I find the story to be creative and realistic, as it is based in the early 1900s. The plot consisted of many events and decisions, yet you linked them together very nicely and the audience was rarely left confused. However, there was one section in Chapter 1 when Evangeline was at the library that I did not completely understand. The section began with a woman making an announcement about women's rights, and then another girl asked Evangeline "What do you plan to do?" Evangeline then replied and told them that she didn't have anywhere to spend the night. How exactly did this stem from the announcement, and how did the other girls know that Evangeline needed a place to stay? This section seemed very out-of-the-blue, but the story makes sense past this point. You may just want to clarify exactly how the girls knew that Evangeline needed a place to stay and why they asked her what she planned to do. 

One area that I especially liked was how you weaved details of Evangeline's family into the descriptions as you wrote. You did an excellent job of giving the audience an idea of Evangeline's life without blatantly stating her hardships and struggles. 

I found the characters each to be very interesting and unique. It is clear that they all have characteristics or experiences that affect them, and it is interesting to read about how they handle their inner demons. I suggest that you add more personality details to each of the characters, however. They are nicely described otherwise, but the lack of personality descriptions so far make the characters seem a bit bland. What are they thinking? How are they feeling? Be sure to address these questions in order to properly portray your characters. 

Overall, I thought the story was extremely entertaining and I think the story has lots of potential. It is clear that you have done your research on the point in time that the story takes place, and the characters fit into the setting quite well. I suggest you include a few more descriptions throughout your story, but it is otherwise quite nicely written!

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