The darkness fades and my thoughts are once again on the day I met Mike. I had decided that I would own my own destiny and so one day while at work I had put an offer out there to all of the males that worked in baggage.
"Gentlemen, I have a proposition for you. I am going to be joining the service within the next year and I need one of you to take my virginity. If you are up to the task I'll be holding interviews."
"Are you serious?" One of them asked.
"As serious as a heart attack,"
With that I left them to their work. I told them that I was looking for someone to take my virginity, no strings attached. It was a bold move but it did leave me with several suitors.
It is amazing how many men would jump at the chance to take something like that with no consequences.
Mike, however, his argument for being "the one" was the most charming. When he walked into my office like a proud lion I admit I was taken aback. He seemed to exude far more confidence that he should have given the nature of this request.
Yet, he came before me like he was preparing for a job interview. I imagine that is how he looked at it as well. He had offered to not just take my virginity but to teach me things so that when I found the right person I would be in a good position to pleasure them.
"Interesting" I said, my lips curled into a half smile.
What a cocky bastard but still...his offer resonated with me. I would accept his terms and he and I would go to his parent's house to have our first night together.
I wasn't excited about losing my virginity in his parent's basement but I am sure other girls have had it worse than this. Besides I needed to know once and for all who I was and if those flashes in my mind where dreams or memories.
I had to know and I had to come to terms with my life if I was going to move forward. Mike meant nothing to me but he was going to help me and for that I was thankful.
Our union wasn't anything special. He kissed me a little and he ran his hands across my body but it wasn't like with Tom. My body didn't catch on fire. I didn't feel an overwhelming desire in my core for him. At that moment, we were merely conducting a business transaction and he was trying to get me just ready enough for him to enter the gates.
It was sufficient, it helped that I was able to imagine Tom touching me and kissing me. The way his hands caressed my body like a gentle porcelain doll. I thought about how he would kiss me with a hunger that could rival the wolves.
Tom would ignite me and set me aflame where Mike left me feeling a dull ember. He entered into me.
"Are you ok?" He asked me tenderly.
"I'm ok," I said through gritted teeth.
There was pain and I thought to myself 'So it was all a dream?' but the pain was dull.
I thought it should hurt more. He continued to thrust and I felt nothing. No arousal, my pain, no pleasure. My mind raced.
'Was a virgin after all?' If I was did that mean that I gave this away for no reason to no one? I felt a wave of sorrow flow over me but just like that he was done.
There was a glimmer in his eyes as he pulled out.
"You didn't bleed," he said as he looked down at his manhood.
"What do you mean?" I asked. I thought I would have bled for sure. It hurt. Did that mean that I wasn't a virgin?
"I thought you said you were a virgin?" he asked me as though he was challenging my claim.
His eyes flashed an angry look. It would seem he enjoyed making women bleed and I had not given him that.
"I am...I think. I've never willingly given myself to anyone." with those words he pulled away from me.
I felt an emptiness. The coldness around me grew.
"I...I'm sorry," he said his eyes falling to the floor.
He had covered himself as though a part of him felt shame. I laid there in silence. There were no words for what I felt. There were no words that I could offer him to give him comfort.
He would have to live with his choice and his actions just as I would have to live with the knowledge that I was never pure. Not really. When he spoke again I struggled to meet his gaze. His eyes filled with a newly formed resolve.
"I didn't know. It's fine. I don't care about that. Listen, I can still do what I said. Would you like that?" He moved closer to me.
Kneeling beside me and ran his fingers through my hair. It was nice and gentle. A sweet caress that was different from the moment we had just shared.
For some reason, his attitude towards me had changed and he was being tender. I still didn't know why it hurt. It wouldn't be until much later when I would discover it hurts whenever you aren't aroused.
Had he have gotten me to that point of moisture I would have felt no pain at all. That reality brings me a sorrow that I cannot fully describe. A loss so deep it crosses the chasms of time.
How many years had it been since I was turned into a whore? How many times was my innocence taken?
These things I would never know. These answers that would forever evade me because the truth is, I don't want to know. I prefer to see the scene go black and know that I am protecting myself. I don't care what they say. I prefer my ignorance. Ignore is bliss after all and bliss is bittersweet. I'll take my ignorance like I took his offer.
Author's Note: There is more of Mike to come. I hope you are ready.
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