I will tell you one thing for sure, I could tell the difference from when someone cared about me and when I was being used. His words meant nothing to me because I knew I meant nothing to him.
I was just someone who he could enjoy when he had free time. Sure, I pushed those boundaries sometimes because I wanted to. I made him spend more time with me then he would have originally preferred but he got something out of it each time.
I only called him for sex. Nothing more, nothing less.
Some days he would ask me to walk down the pier with him or sit down at a cafe and that was nice. As long as we found our way to a hotel or his parent's basement, I was fine with it. To me, it was worth it.
"You are a sexy man you know that?" His eyes sparkled. He seemed happy.
"You are so fucking sexy Cathy, I can't believe you're leaving. What about us?" His words hung in the air.
I found myself chocking on them.
I didn't have a problem with his voice or his face. He was perfectly acceptable. I just...I was incapable of loving him or anyone else for that matter.
He had always come when I called though. Not once did he turn me down. In hindsight, I wonder if there's was any significance to that. Probably not. Men don't feel, they only take.
"We can stay just like we are right now," I said simply. His eyes bulged out of his face.
"Like a long distance relationship?" His shock and awe tickled me.
I knew, deep down, that he was looking for an escape from his current life. He wanted a freedom he couldn't achieve on his own and he saw me as that opportunity. Nothing more.
"We aren't IN a relationship," I said as I stared into his eyes. I saw something there. It almost looked like hurt. Impossible.
I had envisioned my life flash before me if I had said yes and I saw nothing but heartache and pain. He would never love me and therefore he would always be searching.
He would always go for the next lifted skirt and I didn't want to be that woman that sat at home waiting for him to come back or even worse, coming home to find him sharing our bed with someone else.
"Wow, Cathy," his head lowered and he placed his hands on his face. They settled there for a moment longer than they should have.
When he removed them, his eyes were slightly red but he wore a big smile.
"You're right, I don't know what I was thinking, your idea could work."
For the briefest of moments, I allowed myself to doubt my resolve. Was it me? Did I have some kind of negative impact on males? Was it something that I did that caused them to become destabilized.
He seemed sad as he sat there looking into my empty eyes. It was easier with women...I knew immediately where I stood. They either liked me or hated me.
I wasn't the kind person that sat in the middle. I was fine with that because it was easier if you either liked or hated me. With men, it was harder. It was harder to know if I was hurting them because in my mind it was impossible to cause them pain.
Yet, I couldn't deny all of those moments in the past when I had sensed their fragility. If there was fragility it meant that I could hurt them.
'Could I be hurting Mike?' At that moment, it felt like I had.
I sensed his pain rolling off of him. He had wanted this so badly and I took it from him. It didn't matter that his plan was never for my benefit. I was the destroyer of worlds and it would seem today, it would be his world that would crumble. His only mistake was meeting me and thinking that he could tame this beast.
"When were you going to tell me?" he asked his dark brown eyes on the cusp of tears.
He struggled to keep his façade in place. He wouldn't let me see him break.
"I'm telling you now," I responded.
I found my thoughts drifting back in time to when he and I had first met. We both worked for the airline. We were both ground crew but I worked in the passenger services department and he worked with the luggage.
My future with the company was bright. I had already been to other sites where I assisted in training the new team members. I knew then that it was time.
It was time to stop holding onto this card called "virginity" that held a promise I didn't even know I deserved. A card that may have been lost to me long before I even knew what the word meant.
My memories would always bring me back to room at the end of the hall. I was so young and fragile. A tiny thing really. Weak.
I would be standing there inside the room next to the bed. Unsure of what I should be feeling as his big hand grasped mine while his other hand slithered up my skirt. It felt dirty. It felt wrong.
"Grandpa?" I asked.
"It's ok mamita," he whispered.
I felt fear but I didn't know why. He pulled me towards him and placed me on his lap. His lips at the nape of my neck. The hairs on my neck rose
"It's ok child" he whispered into my ear for good measure. His voice soothed me.
"I'm going to make you feel good." I turned to look at him.
He smiled and came in close...our lips are going to touch but I'm no longer in my body. I am floating away. I am no longer in the room. The room goes dark. I am standing on the other side of the door at the end of the hall. It feels more ominous now. I am avoiding this door. He's home. I have to hide. Can't let him know I am here.
He knows. "Child. Come here" his silky voice called to me with promises of tender love and affection.
Though I know somewhere inside of me that I don't like this kind of attention. I don't like the way he makes me feel.
"Child." he beckons with more force.
I can't hide. I slowly move towards the door at the end of the hall. I stand in front of it, palms sweaty. I hesitate to knock but I know I must. With trepidation, I gently tap on the door.
"Come in" his soft voice echoed in my ear, like nails on a chalkboard it resonates deep inside me.
I slowly open the door and am met with that smile. The smile the devil wears when he is pretending to be your savior. The door closes behind me and the room turns black.
Author's Note: I meant for this scene to end but it ended up going a bit longer than anticipated. One more chapter should sum it up. Thanks for keeping up with me.
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