I pressed the knife against my stomach and willed myself to plunge it into me.
'I just need this pain to end.' I thought. Sorrow consumed me.
My mind raced with memories of the night before. It raced with memories of the betrayal. Memories of their disappointed faces as they screamed at me to explain myself left me feeling hopeless.
There is a despair that overtakes you when you have suck to the bottom and you don't know how to pull yourself back up.
'Jay do it, Cathy!' I willed myself to let go of the fear and to embrace the darkness.
The restless dreams from the night before of falling down a pit played over again in my mind.
Falling, fading into nothingness.
Was I evil? Is that why this happened to me? Was it because I was selfish and didn't want to go? Was it because I used Green Eyes as a replacement for Tom?
'It's my fault. I'm broken. I'm unworthy. No one would want to be friends with someone like me.' The words played over and over again on rewind.
'No one would want to love someone like me. I was defective.' I pressed the knife as tightly as I could against myself. My weak arms barely held the knife upright. I chastised myself.
"Weak!" I spat in disgust.
Thoughts raced through my mind. Thoughts of that night. Thoughts of the fear I felt when I climbed the fence.
The terror I felt when I fell and the numbness that consumed me as my father stuck me. It was as though my entire life were flashing before my eyes and nothing felt sacred anymore.
My downward spiral continued and my mind brought me back to when I was 9-years old. I could hear my mother telling me that I ruined her life. Her warm and gentle voice laced with cruelty. Her words I took at face value. If she said it that means it's true. Mother's don't lie to their daughters.
"You know, I could have been happy right?" she asked me.
I stared at her in silence, even at that tender age I knew she didn't want me to reply.
"He was coming for me just as he promised me he would. When he came I already had you. What was I supposed to do? If only you were never born I could have been happy. I could have been living a wonderful life instead of being here. You stole my happiness." her voice faded away as though she had been lost in her own thoughts of a better time.
I stood there in silence waiting for her to tell me it was alright to leave. She lifted her gaze to me and dismissed me.
"Go to your room." She said turning her face away from me and sobbing quietly to herself.
I walked away slowly as to not upset her thoughts. She was right, I had ruined her life. I was a burden and it would be better for everyone if I simply ceased to exist.
The tip of the blade cut into my flesh as a small trickle of blood spilled. It hurt but it wasn't enough. I wasn't strong enough. I knew that I wouldn't be able to do what I needed to do like this.
I wondered if I might be able to fall onto the knife instead. As I contemplated how I was going to achieve that it hit me. The realization that I didn't have the physical strength or the will.
I didn't want to live but I was afraid to die.
My self-pity intensified. I wasn't even capable of such a simple feat.
That's what I was. Who would ever want someone like me?
I wanted to cry, if I could cry maybe I could feel just a little bit better but those stupid tears of mine refused to grant me access. They refused to flow and with the damn firmly in place I was drowning inside.
I remained there with the knife pressed against my stomach willing myself to push harder. I closed my eyes and I tried to focus my thoughts on the task at hand. They betrayed me.
My mind drifted to when I was ten years old sitting with one of my aunts on the bus. I was telling her my plans to travel when I was older. Joy filled my thoughts as I envisioned my bright future.
"Awww...mamita. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this but you will most likely grow up to be barefoot, pregnant and on welfare. You need to lower your expectations sweetheart. You will most likely end up just like your mother. It's OK though, that's just who you are meant to be." she said in a soothing voice as she gently patted my head.
'I'm just like my mother. I'm never going to be anything to anyone. That is my truth. That is my life. That is my future.'
Betrayal. Loss. Pain.
I needed to find the strength to push harder against my flesh. I wanted to find that endless slumber. My brother James woke up and he saw me.
He didn't say anything. He just slowly walked up to me and quietly took the knife out of my hands. I stared as him as he stood up and walked out of the room.
'What had he just done? Where was he going? He took my freedom! He took my escape.' My mind tried to grasp what happened.
He came back a short while later and went back to his side of the room. I wanted to be angry with him but a part of me was glad.
Did someone love me enough to stop me? Was I worthy of this second chance? We never spoke of this again and for the first time I drift off into a restful slumber. I think a single tear fell from my eye. It was enough though. It was enough to let me know that I was still here. I was still alive. My brother saved me.
With that tear and with his selfless act I drifted to sleep. My mind gently reminding me that everything my mother said to me was true.
"You think they are your friends? No one would want to be friends with someone like you. They only want what you can offer them. You think I am being cruel? Don't worry, you'll see. You'll see I'm telling you the truth." She was right.
I needed to do a better job of not letting anyone get too close. With a new resolve it was decided...they thought I was bad before? Wait till they get a load of me now. They ain't seen nothing yet.
YOU ARE READING
When You Realize You've Become a Mean Girl...and What Comes Next (In Editing)Non-Fiction
It isn't every day that you find yourself waking up and realizing "Hey, I'm a mean girl." I could make sure people like you didn't make their way into our circle and I was very good at it. You wanted to sit with us? No thank you. You wanted to talk...