When I wake up, reality hits me. I'm here, in Harry's flat. He is sleeping next to me, lightly snoring, his mounth a little bit open. Just beautiful. I love waking up next to him.
But this is wrong. This is so so wrong.
I'm supposed to be with Zayn. He is my boyfriend. Even thought I don't know if I love him, I don't wanna hurt him. On the other hand, I broke Harry, twice. I can't do that again.
"Nata?", Harry whispers. I don't answer but look at him waking up. He is so beautiful.
"Nata? Are you still here?" I hear a bit of fear in his voice. Fear that I left him, again. And I feel so sorry, so sorry for doing this to him, making him like this.
"Yeah, I am." Harry turns around and looks at me and I know I'm right. I can see the fear in his eyes.
"You didn't leave." He sounds dismayed. This is all my fault, because of me he thinks he will be left alone.
"No Harry, I didn't leave. I stayed with you."
"But everyone..." He looks so sad, so alone.
"Everyone?" I help him. We has to talk, I have to know his fears, he has to know my feelings.
"Everyone leaves me." His eyes are shiny and I know he is trying to hold back his tears.
It takes me a moment to understand what he means , but right then realisation hits me. His mom. His mom killed herself. His mom left him, without giving him the change to say goodbye. Without giving him the change to save her, to help her. And that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm running away from him, every single time. Because I don't know what I feel, because I'm too afraid to face my feelings. I didn't give him a change to explain, I wasn't there when he needed me, I wasn't the shoulder he needed to cry on.
But right now, I'm going to be here. For him!
"Your mom." He nods and bites on his lip.
"Harry... I wasn't there when you needed me the most, but I'm here right now. Cry, scream, tell me what you wanna say, I'm not going to run this time."
He looks in my eyes and swallows.
"Nata, I ... maybe...." He interupts himself . " Are you hungry."
I shake my head and looks at him, trying to put all my emotions in my eyes, because I know he wants to say things to me, but he is scared that I will run away.
"I promise that I'm not going to run again."
"Nata, you don't have to promise things when you are not sure if you can keep those promises." I sigh, knowing he is true.
"Harry, I promise that I wont run today." Harry nods, my answer is enough for him, for now.
"After you ran away, I had a really hard time Nata. I tried to say to myself that you would come back. That we could talk about it and be friends again. I said to myself that I could live with that and that was true. As long as you were happy, I would be happy. Because I love your smile, I love your love, I love the way your eyes sparkle when you are happy....You did came back, it just took you way more time than I expected. At the beginning of the summer, I came to your house, I wanted to talk with you, but it was Tom who stood in the doorway. He told me you were to your aunt and I felt so sad, so dissappointed , so lonely because you didn't told me you were gone." Harry stops and looks at me. I want do say something, but I don't know what so I just sit there, next to him with my mounth open, not able to make a sound.
"Are you still not hungry?" I shake my head because I know if I say yes, he will not return to this subject.
"The first two weeks, I sat alone in my room, trying to find an explanation for what happend between us. I only went downstairs to eat. I knew my mom had been having a tough time, but I didn't know it was so serious because I didn't see my mom that much. "
A tear leaves the corner of his eye and I take his hand in mine and make circles with my thumb to calm him, to let him know I'm still here.
"If I wasn't in my room the entire time, Nata..." He stops and takes breath " I would have noticed it." He starts to cry harder and then he looses his control. He hiccups and screams.
The only thing I can do is hold him.
"Shh Harry, it's not your fault. She didn't feel well, in her eyes it was the only way to become happy. I'm sure she's happy now Harry. And she will look down at you and smile, because she is proud to be your mom. She doesn't want you to think it's your fault, because it isn't. She doesn't want you to think about her last years, the years who were really tough for her but the good moments."
Harry pushes his face into my shirt and I can feel the tears through the thin material but I don't care. I hate seeing him like this.
I strike his ear and whisper sweet words into his ear, trying to calm him down.
"Everything will be alright Harry. "
He looks up at me and I see the sadness in his eyes. "Don't leave me Nata."
This is all my fault. He is scared loosing me because he lost his mom. And that's my fault. If I hadn't ran away, if I had talked with Harry instead of avoiding him, he wouldn't have lost his mom. Because I didn't talk with him, he was in his room. Because of me , he didn't saw that she had it so tough.
Someone died and it's all my fault.
(A/N : Hi ! First I wanna thank you guys so so much ! We have over 1000 reads !! I love you !! Well, this is chapter 21, do you like it? What's your favorite part? I love reading your comments so that's why I always ask :) Anyway please vote/comment etc to let our story grow and reach the 2000 :) Love you darlings ~Céline)
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